Butterfly's and Rainbows

2 years

2010-05-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

She has been gone 2 years today...2 years in Heaven and 2 years of heartbreak for us.

2010-02-10T17:22:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow would have been Sierra's 11th birthday here on earth. Happy Birthday baby girl...we miss you so much and love you very very much!!!Not much else to say...tomorrow will be hard...then again every day without her is hard.

Blue Christmas

2010-01-05T16:38:00.000-08:00

I thought the first Christmas without Sierra was hard but for some reason this one was harder. I went through the motions as I needed to. The tree was put up though I did not decorate the outside still not an easy task for me. I bought presents and when Christmas came we open gifts in the morning, sang Happy Birthday to Jesus and cut a cake in His honor. We went to breakfast at our friends house and off to Orlando to spend time with family. I laughed, joke but inside there was sadness. I miss her and I will forever. My life is forever changed because my little girl is now in her eternal home. I am called strong but I give God credit for any strength he has given me because on my own without Him I would have crumbled. Thank you God for your strength. I hope all of you have enjoyed a blessed and truly amazing Christmas and New Year celebration.

I pray this year for me and my family as well as for all of you brings about faith, love, health and happiness. May all your prayers be answered. My prayer that my family heals in all areas because Sierra's death rocked the very core of us and coming out of it (especially for her daddy) has been extremely hard.

God bless you all!!

Sierra's Stocking is up and running. Gift card donations (no amount is too small) can be mailed to: Sierra's Stocking-235 W. Brandon Blvd. Suite 264, Brandon, FL 33511-5103. The gift cards will be going to Giving Hope Through Faith (http://www.givinghopethroughfaith.org/) who helps the families going through this difficult time (they helped me and I cannot thank them enough. Please help...it would sure be appreciated.

Sierra's Stocking

2009-12-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

I don't update much...just not a whole lot to say. I miss her and it hurts. The thing that gets me through is that she is ok...she is with her creator...she is healthy, happy and free of sickness and disease and one day I WILL see her again. The family well it is one day at a time and with Christmas coming (wow did she love Christmas) it is difficult to think of another holiday without her.

I am doing Sierra's Stocking again this year. It helps me to be able to do something in her memory, see her stocking out and filled and of course helping other children who have cancer.Here is the info:Sierra's Stocking is up and running. Gift card donations (no amount is too small) can be mailed to: Sierra's Stocking-235 W. Brandon Blvd. Suite 264, Brandon, FL 33511-5103.The gift cards will be going to Giving Hope Through Faith (http://www.givinghopethroughfaith.org/) who helps the families going through this difficult time (they helped me and I cannot thank them enough.

Please help...it would sure be appreciated. God bless you all!!!!

A Year Has Passed

2009-05-03T03:36:00.000-07:00

A year has passed since I have seen my little girl...kissed her...laughed with her...held her. The pain is worse...time has not helped me yet. I am glad she does not have to endure cancer and its treatments anymore. Sierra is completely healed and in God's forever presence and that does bring me comfort. I plan to visit her grave and put new flowers there for her and just miss her as I always will. I will be there between 1 & 2. That is all I have planned except of course to miss her as I will forever.

I will update more later...please keep us in your prayers as we try to get through this day and the rest of our lives without our little girl.

God bless you all!!

I Miss You All

2009-04-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile...a long while. I do apologize and I want to say I miss blogging. I just didn't have much to say. A lot is going on that I really don't want to talk about but God is good and in control and for that I am grateful. My husband is getting the help he needs to get through the difficulties of grieving. He will be looking for a new job and I am praying that he finds one soon. Please, keep this in prayer that he does find a job. The economy is bad and jobs aren't easy to find but I know God is a good God and we have to rely on him. When He closes one door another one opens so I am praying that God will open the door to a better opportunity for my husband and one that he will be happy at. I in turn will have to leave my little part time job that I absolutely love doing but I need to get something full time with benefits. Thankfully, I did and I will start in July. I will be a secretary for a new school opening at the start of the new school year. God opened this door for me and I am praying He will open one soon for my husband.

The rollercoaster of my life has been extremely difficult but one that has made me really appreciate and hold on to Jesus more. He loves us and He wants the best for us and in the end Jesus is all that matters.

I needed to get away from the blogging...get away from the childhood cancer world but of course I cannot stay away. I will always do what I can to help raise awareness for childhood cancer. I pray for that cure to come one day soon.

Thank you all for the prayers. I will post again soon. I have to post about the Fashion Funds The Cure evening that I went to back in March and post a couple of pics from that. The evening was dedicated to Sierra and another young teenage girl that died from Leukemia as well Emily Lester.

Thanks again for checking in. I love you all!!!

Happy Easter!!!

I Received My First Award!!!!

2009-04-10T21:03:00.001-07:00

I haven't checked or been on my blog for awhile and saw that I was nominated for this award called the "Lemons to Lemonade Award!" how exciting is that and I was nominated by Renee of My Special K's. Thank you so much Renee and I am sorry I did not see this sooner. So...with that I am to pay it forward with my own nominations and here is who I choose:

1. http://believeinmandy.blogspot.com/

2. http://hope4acure.blogspot.com/

3. http://www.5minutesforspecialneeds.com/

4. http://hannahpro.blogspot.com/

5. http://www.camerondiamond.org/

6. http://tracysolomon.blogspot.com/

7. http://www.faithfulfroggers.blogspot.com/

Now for those I nominated..these are the rules:

Here are the rules for the award:1) Put the logo on your blog or post.2) Nominate at least 10 blogs that show great attitude or gratitude.3) Link to your nominees within your post.4) Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.5) Share the love and link to the person from who you received your award.

Renee, again thank you this is very exciting. Please visit Renee's blog, an amazing blog about an amazing family. I know you will fall in love with the Special K's!!! Here is the link http://www.myspecialks.com/

Prayers Needed

2009-03-05T03:19:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone is doing well. We are moving along as best we can. My husband's birthday was okay...quiet for the most part. Just making it through the day is what is important right now. We still need prayers...lots of them. Things really need to get back to some kind of peace and normalcy. Somehow. My son just got diagnosed with ADD, depression due to grief and sleep deprivation. So...he is on meds and has a 504 plan to help him in school. Sierra is missed so much and the effect of it all has really been hard on the family. Me...I have to keep it all together somehow. It is hard being the 'strong' one but at this point I have no choice. Physically I can feel the effects...the pinched nerve in my neck has been giving me trouble for a while now and I am just tired. I just don't want to do much of anything anymore. Please pray for us...we can sure use it.

Big Hugs

2009-02-24T04:59:00.000-08:00

I have not been too great at keeping up with the posts. I wonder each day...will I write something today? but I end up doing something else. I am at a loss sometimes on what to say because its all been said before...I miss her and now the journey continues without her. The void Sierra has left in our lives is immense and at times feels as if we're just existing. Another mom lost her little girl not too long ago...the service fell on Sierra's birthday so I didn't go. It would have been too hard. She blogged about her little girl's last moments and it was so hard to read about it. It brings you back. I remember watching her on the vent and thinking "how did we get here?" and "how can we go on without her?" So many family and friends came to the ICU to support us and I am so thankful to each and everyone of them. The moving on hurts but we have to. What helps me is that I know we will be reunited again forever in eternity. I know when that happens I will never have to let her go again and the best part she will be healthy. It does bring comfort. I pray it brings Jessica's mom comfort to think of her little girl healthy, happy and one day never having to let her go again. Yesterday...I thought of Sierra and it became so vivid that I thought I heard her say 'momma" and I wanted so bad to hold her but it was just my imagination...I miss you baby girl...so much!!!

Danny's birthday is Friday. How do we celebrate? I plan to do something but I know he will be longing for his little girl to give him a "big hug." She loved giving her daddy big hugs.

"Big Hugs Sierra...we love you"

Birthday In Heaven

2009-02-12T05:49:00.000-08:00

We did the balloon release and attach notes of love on it. It was bittersweet but we needed to do something. We didn't sing Happy Birthday cause she hated that but we sent lots of love. Thank you all for the prayers and support. It meant a lot.

We miss you baby girl.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl

2009-02-10T16:50:00.001-08:00

We will need lots of prayers to get through tomorrow...it is Sierra's birthday and she would have been 10. I cannot believe it has been a year...we bought her a heart cake...a basketball hoop (she loved basketball) and she looked so healthy. I ordered 10 green balloons for tomorrow and we are going to attach notes on it for her. We need to do something and that is the plan.

Happy Birthday baby girl...I'm sure birthdays are awesome in Heaven...we miss you!!!

www.butterflysnrainbows.blogspot.com

A Special Thankyou

2009-02-05T04:46:00.000-08:00

Thank you all so much for the prayers and kind thoughts. We are doing okay and you know its a day by day...hour by hour thing...you just have to get through. We will.

So far so good with the alarm system and I am so thankful it is here that is for sure. It does give a deeper sense of security. That is how I feel about faith in God...without it...I have no security...with it...I am safe to continue on and have the hope to know that whatever happens in the end...he is with me and one day...I will be with him for all eternity along with my little girl and all my loved ones who have passed on.
I really love and appreciate all of you that have invested in our lives and care to read about all the going ons. I really do appreciate each and everyone of you...whether you leave a message or not. You are all amazing. With that I thought I would give a shout out every once in a while to my friends out there in cyberland...give a little recognition...and a thankyou {{{hug}}}.

I hope you don't mind but the first one I want to do that to is our friend Nigel. We never met you and you live so far away. My daughter thinks you are so cool. You follow our site and that of many others with a little message of hope and inspiration. We think you are awesome and we thank you so much for checking in on us and all of our warrior friends. I always look for you on our guestbook and that of our other friends and I know I will see you. Many blessings to you Nigel and thank you for being so special.

I want to do this every once in a while to all of you...and hope I don't miss anyone. You have all been such an amazing source of strength and comfort and I really do appreciate it. I know the recognition is not important but I really do want to acknowledge because I want to show how much I appreciate and need you all.

Thanks again and God bless you all!!!

Choosing To Look Up

2009-01-30T16:16:00.000-08:00

Wow...it has been a long time since I have posted and I wonder if you have all kind of figured that is it with my updates. I wonder if you will come back and check on us again. What was the reason? So much going on...too much and it made me way too exhausted to post anything. Right now...it is a struggle just posting. I feel tired...physically and emotionally. There is a trickle down effect after the death of someone who means so much to you...it can affect all aspects of your life. This has happened to all of us in my family and the most affected would be my husband. We are trying to get back to normalcy slowly but surely but believe me...life was really bad for a while...a long while. Then to top it all off our house got robbed again!!!. The first time it got robbed...Sierra was in the hospital sick from treatment. Some teens (per the detectives from what they stole) came in and took the kids Playstation, MP3 player, well pretty much electronics and toys. This time they stole our bedroom tv and the kids Wii that they got for Christmas. We now have put in an alarm system...expensive...but we had no choice. Pray this doesn't happen again and please keep us in your prayers for just coping with life without Sierra. We will always miss her but we need to cope better with it yet thankfully things seem to be better.

Sierra's Stocking was a great success and I thank each and everyone of you who donated. Thank you for helping us keep her memory alive and helping her warrior friends at the same time. I am so eternally grateful to all of you...thank you just doesn't seem like enough. The pics above shows how wonderful you all have been.

Last nite the kids and I were blessed with tickets to the Pepsi Smash. We got to see Life House, Fall Out Boy and Rihanna. It was so needed to get away and just enjoy ourselves and we certainly did. It was a great show and we were so happy to be able to go. Thanks to the CCC for the tickets.

Sadly...another warrior friend has passed away. It is getting harder and harder to go to these services but I go because I need to show my love and support. Please keep Robert's family and friends in your prayers.

We Got Through

2008-12-26T07:43:00.000-08:00

I was not looking forward at all to Christmas this year and my shopping was done in a foglike haze...just wanted to get in, get out and get on with my life. We spent part of Christmas Eve with Danny's cousins. This is the Italian side of the family and they make all kinds of seafood & pasta. My husband thoroughly enjoys this. Afterwards...we got ready to head out to Orlando. We spent Christmas Eve with my nephew and nieces who spent most of the night awake and well...it kept me awake. I got through that night and thought back on our past Christmases. Christmas 2005 was spent wondering what was wrong with Sierra...she was so sick and we found out 3 days later she had Leukemia. Christmas 2006...I just don't remember if we were home or in the hospital. It is so wierd that I can't remember. Christmas 2007 was awesome...Sierra was healthy and it was so much fun watching her. She was so excited to receive new hand towels. She got a lot more but the towels were the best to her. This year was our first without her. It was hard to think about but I made myself not think and we all got through it. Christmas morning was tough for my mom but she also did amazingly well. We opened gifts and even laughed a little. We ate a great meal at my cousin Jeanette's house and of course more gifts to be opened. We got home and went over our friends/neighbor's house Lisa & Jesse and had a great time there to. I was so tired...a little too tired...so I ended up watching part of Rocky I and part of Rocky II and then fell asleep. All in all not too bad. Thank you God for your strength to get through...we did. New Years will be spent sleeping most likely. I have no desire to go anywhere. How do I feel about 2008? It started well and ended up bad. Now all my 'new' years will be spent without my daughter's physical presence and that sucks to sum it up...it really does. You have to live with hope and I do...I have hope for better days...better years...and more time to cherish those I love. I am not sure how this year will be but in the end God is in control. This is a new year for a lot of changes and the biggest one is Obama will be our new President. Many people are happy about this...and many not so happy. I wonder if he feels pressure because so many of his voters are placing all their faith in him to make some pretty big changes in our country? I would if I was him. I feel for him...he is only human and will not be able to make everyone happy. I plan to place my faith in God and let him control all aspects of my life and even those that affect my country. I will be keeping our President in my prayers and hope you will to...even if he was not who you voted for...he will need our prayers. Will this year answer the decision to adopt a baby? Well...that will be in God's hands to. He will make a way if it is meant to be.

I pray all of you had a wonderful Christmas and if I don't post beforehand...have a wonderful and safe New Years. God bless you all and thank you for stopping by and checking in on us.

Bringing Home Kellsey

2008-12-21T07:10:00.000-08:00

I have a special blogger friend who I met through the internet. Her daughter Kennedy has Down Syndrome and battled (and won...yay!!) Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Kennedy is such a beautiful little girl who reminds me of Sierra in so many ways. If you would like to visit her blog it is http://www.myspecialks.com/2008/12/this-post.html. Renee (Kennedy's mom) is now in the process of adopting a little girl with Down Syndrome from Eastern Europe. Children with Down Syndrome from other countries that are not with their families get institutionalized by the age of 5. It is so sad and so many need to be placed in a loving home. The Garcia family is the perfect example of a loving home. The little girl is 2 and her name (for now) is Victoria but Renee plans to name her Kellsey. She will be another special K with 7 letters in her name like her brothers and sisters. The adoption process is long and there will be some red tape (praying for that to all go smooth) and of course pricey at $22,000. If you would like to and could help in making a donation please visit Kellsey's page http://www.aspecialkadoption.blogspot.com/ and as I always say no amount is too small.

Danny and I are thinking about doing this as well but of course no major decisions for a year. The kids are in full support because they are missing having a little one in the house. We are praying about it and letting God lead the way in this. We fell in love with Leah...and who knows if she is meant to be ours...God will make a way. Do you want to see Leah? Here is the link http://reecesrainbow.blogspot.com/2008/10/october-31-leah.html. I am of course scared of the cancer risk and do not want to go through that again but I will give that to God and see how everything pans out. What do you think? If you don't want to post a response on here that is okay...you can email me at Kesler5_289@msn.com.

Thanks and please help the Garcia family bring Kellsey home!!

Dancing With You In My Dreams

2008-12-18T09:35:00.000-08:00

The other night I had a dream of Sierra. I was so happy to see her and I picked her up and we were dancing. Sierra didn't say a word but had a smile (as usual). I was screaming for Danny to come see us dancing...to come see Sierra...and I woke up screaming. Not sure what that was about. I was not upset but was so happy in the dream...so happy to be holding her again. I hated waking up from that dream.

The night I had the dream we were at the Bereavement Group Christmas party. They gave us parents a picture (really beautiful) that says "Life Isn't About Waiting for the Storm to Pass...It's About Learning to Dance In The Rain." Maybe that saying struck me more than I thought and that is why Sierra and I were dancing...not sure...only God knows. Thank you, Mary Ann for opening up your home for the party. It was really nice. Thank you Kyleen for the video...it was great.

As Christmas is approaching...I am dreading it more and more. It was Sierra's favorite holiday and she loved every minute of it. I enjoyed watching Christmas through her eyes. Sierra had a light within her that shone so bright and our home just seems so dark now...and so still. It hurts and my heart also hurts for all the parents missing their kids this Christmas. Please...pray for us and for them and hug your babies even tighter.

I changed the bouquet on Sierra's grave last weekend to be more Christmasy. I do silk flowers so the family of cranes won't eat them. It is still so wierd to go there...to see her name on the plaque.

I miss her so much...my baby girl.

An Early Christmas Miracle

2008-12-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

We received an early Christmas present from God today. Our little bud 'Gelo' had to get a spinal tap today to check to see if there were white blood cells in the fluid. If there was 6 or more it would be considered a relapse. Thankfully that did not happen...the fluid was clear and there were no white blood cells. Thank you, God!!!

Please keep Sierra's warrior friends in prayer...Brooke, Demetri and Connor...all kids dealing with this monster. Please pray for the families dealing with the death of their child and please pray for the warriors off treatment for their continued health. Thanks so much!!!

Reflections

2008-12-11T18:28:00.000-08:00

What is it about Christmas that makes you reflect on the past? If you don't do it than you may be in the minority because I think it is part of the territory. My kids are doing that now and it is definitely because of Sierra. Dano was telling me how last Christmas was the best Christmas ever for him and Arielle agrees. We have to go on and make new Christmas memories but our hearts will always ache for the one who cannot physically spend it with us.

Growing up on Long Island...Christmas was big in every way imaginable. Parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, girlfriends or boyfriends of different family members, great aunts, great uncles...yup big and noisy...and I loved every minute of it. Lots of food, presents, laughter, drunk uncles that gave us money (that was awesome), music and dancing. I miss those times and as many people do...I appreciate it more now than I ever did. We didn't wait till Christmas morning to open our gifts...nope that was done after Midnight mass or if we didn't go...sooner. My mom got a little scroogy as I got older (didn't want a tree - grinch) she got tired of a big Christmas tree and one time bought a 12 inch tree, decorated it with little decorations and put it on top of the tv. The nerve!!! I was so mad at her...but that was the year she bought me a Derry Daring (like the Evel Knievel doll) in a pink outfit and helmet. I think the motorcycle she rode was pink to. I wonder if she is on Ebay (need to check it out). Anyway...the Derry Daring doll was one gift I wanted so I forgave her. Now...no kids in the house but that tree goes up and she even handmade the decorations...all for the grandkids...whatever mom!! My family didn't have 'traditions' except for very loud partying and dancing (maybe that is the tradition)...so I figured after getting married that once we have kids...we need to start a tradition. The kids now...are used to the traditions. We don't have many but here is what we do: first no opening gifts till Christmas morning (hopefully 10am but well that is when I wish it would happen) and before we open the gifts we have a birthday cake for Jesus with a candle on it and sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus." I thought I made up this tradition but have since found out that many families do that. My pastor's family do this but with a red velvet cake and white frosting (which I do now) to symbolize his blood washes our sins white as snow. Pretty awesome, huh?!! We also take the kids to see the lights on Christmas Eve on our way home from my husband's cousin's house. This year...we will do the cake but will be spending Christmas in Orlando...with my family. I don't know when I will be able to spend Christmas Eve and morning at home...I may be able to next year but right now...no way. I don't have much of the Christmas spirit this year but I am thankful to God for the awesome gift he gave us in his son Jesus...who died on the cross so that we may live. No gift can top that and because of that gift...that sacrifice...Sierra is now living eternity with her creator. How amazing is that?!! It does bring me comfort and I know I will see her again one day.

God bless you all and remember through all this busyness that Jesus is the reason...he died for us to take away our sins so that we can live. If you haven't given your heart to Jesus...just pray. He loves you.

PS...Thank you to all that have been donating to Sierra's Stocking...it is going pretty good. I plan to do a more personal thank you on the blog shortly but in the meantime...thank you so so much!!!

I Feel So Relieved!!

2008-12-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

I can finally breath!!! Dano's doctor called (the neuro-opthamalogist) to let me know there are no tumors or masses found on his MRI. He thinks the swollen optic nerves are normal for him but would like to see Dano again in March. In the meantime...he would like me to take him to the ENT (Orabello...here we come) because there are some sinus issues going on that were there on the last MRI. Nothing major...thank you all for the prayers and thank you God for the answered prayer!!!

Eye...Eye...Eye!!!

2008-12-01T19:18:00.000-08:00

So...here is the update on my son's appointment with the Neuro-Opthamologist...he wants him to get another MRI. Dano had an MRI in 2007 ordered by the Cardiologist to make sure that the headaches he gets are indeed migraines. Why the Cardiologist? Well, he has a small hole in his heart and for some reason they can be linked to migraines...so close up the hole and migraines are gone. No masses or anything funky was found...thank God!! He also did not need to get the hole closed up either (they did an exploratory type of surgery). A few months later, the Optometrist found that his optic nerves were swollen but since there was an MRI there was no concern...yet. Fast forward to his followup appointment a year later with the Optometrist and optic nerves were still found to be swollen...so we got a referral to see the Neuro-Opthamologist. He thinks everything is fine...headaches don't come as often...eyes don't blur...and he can see his colors. Great!! They asked him if he ever sees double to which he replied yes. So...I start freaking out inside...the doctor asked him when does he see double...so my son says when he does this...(this being when he crosses his eyes...oh and he wasn't trying to be funny). So...thankfully no double vision. Anyway...the doctor says as a doctor he doesn't see a need for another MRI but as a parent he thinks we should do one (what does that mean?). I was sent to the diagnostic place in hope that they would do it today but they weren't able to and we have to wait till next Tuesday at 6pm!!! Yeah...it sucks!!!

Please...pray for it to be all clear again!!!

Thanks & God bless you all!!!

I Don't Know How I Will Do This...But I Have To

2008-11-30T16:10:00.000-08:00

Well...after a weekend with my nephew and nieces they are now on their way back home. Back to reality for them and us...school tomorrow...doctor appointments for Dano and I. The house will be a little more quiet...thank God for Rocco!!

We put up the tree tonite. We always had a real tree but when Sierra got leukemia (to keep mold away) we got a pre-lit artificial tree. It is pretty big and very pretty. I started digging through the decorations and I braced myself on what I would find. I found a snowflake decoration with Sierra's picture on it. I don't remember having this decoration. Was it always there? and now I notice it? Not sure, but it is the most special to me and it is the first and only decoration on the tree right now. We didn't finish decorating it...just got too hard...so I guess we will decorate little by little. In her stocking I found a lip balm I bought her. Her lips always got dried so I would put lip balm so it wouldn't bother her.

Sierra loved Christmas. She was so excited decorating the tree and kept saying "Mommy, chwismas...chwismas!!!. We laughed because she would put anything on the tree as a decoration...a popsicle stick, a paperclip...you name it...Sierra would place it so lovingly on the tree. Who knew that would be our last Christmas together here on earth?!!! I wish so much to go back to last Christmas but I can't...cancer cannot take away the memories and it will always be the most cherished Christmas memory for me. I hope that "Sierra's Stocking" will be successful and full of blessings for the families and kids. Of course...it will help us to get through this difficult time as well.

Danny saw me crying and well as my husband he gets frustrated because he can't take my pain away. I told him though that is not his job. We have to face this pain. It will always hurt but somehow it will get easier. I know it will...I pray he will come to that realization to.

I was reading a blog today about these children with cancer from St. Jude's appearing on the Today Show. It was a way for them to bring awareness to pediatric cancer. Well...they were not allowed in the green room because Barry Manilow did not want to share the green room with them. I am not sure if he realized that these were kids with cancer but because of that the kids had to go to Rockefeller Center and wait there. The people at the Today Show (the behind the scenes people) were also pretty rude as well. It broke my heart to hear this story.

I plan to write a letter to the Today Show (not sure if it will make a difference) or send an email. Maybe we all can. I think if more than one person writes to them about what happened...maybe they can pay attention...and treat these kids with the respect they so truly deserve. If you want to read what happened...here is the post: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ginamulieri or http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jessicarandall. I think it will bother you as well.

We live in a world where everyone wants to be politically correct and raise money for causes like "Save the Manatee," there are lots of messages about"Going Green," and there are now commercials where they don't want you to say something is "gay" because it is offensive. Yet it is okay to say the word "retarded" and okay to treat children with cancer as if they were an inconvenience. It is good to want to conserve energy and take care of our planet, it is good not to discriminate, it is good to be a voice for abused animals but what about the kids?!! What about all the kids dying of cancer because there is hardly any research or funding? Let's spread the wealth, give equal rights to all causes, and treat these kids with the love and respect they deserve more than any celebrity or athlete. To me they are more heroic than any action hero, movie star, singer or athlete. They are the real heroes.

Well...enough of my venting...it has been a long and hard day. Forgive me and I hope my next post will be more cheerful.

God bless you all!!

PS: I just received from Major Cornell at Rockers4kids.blogspot.com...Barry Manilow's address:

Mr. Barry Manilow

C/O BMIFC

P.O. Box 45378

Los Angeles, CA 90045

There should be an address for the Today Show on their website.

Turkey Tonite...No Freaking Way!!

2008-11-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was pretty awesome yesterday. I had so many family there and of course our amazing friends (family) the Cerchione's joined us. I had cooked for two days...got up early to put the turkey in the oven (that I had in the fridge marinating all nite).

The food came out really good if I do say so myself. I made the turkey (the main event), stuffing with and without meat, corn casserole, sweet potatoe casserole, peach cobbler, and flan. My mom made the spanish rice, my aunt made the pork (we are hispanic so in a big way that is our turkey), my cousin Summer made stuffing, and her aunt Judy yams with marshmallows on top. Well as you can see...we had lots of desert...lots of food and we stuffed ourselves big time. We sang...we laughed...there were some tears but all in all we had an amazing time. Wow...was there a lot of people in my house and I loved every minute of it. I thought I would be more upset but I am very comforted by the fact that Sierra and my daddy are in Heaven...no more sickness...just eternal happiness. It really does help me and I know when I go to them...it will be forever.

Now...it is quiet...even with 5 kids in the house. My nephew Ty Ty (Tyler) and my nieces Alysa & Aureana are spending the weekend with us. I love it...I love them as if they were my own kids. I will be taking them to see 4 Christmases in a little bit and maybe to Channelside either tonite or tomorrow nite to see "snow."

For dinner (even though there are leftovers) we are having pizza. Yeah...that's right pizza...I cannot look at the turkey...the pumpkin and apple pies...the casseroles...maybe tomorrow but for today...we will eat pizza. Yum!!!!

Well...I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving. To our family in New York and Puerto Rico and the ones who couldn't make it...we missed you all and thought of you as well. Nicole...I was so happy to hear from you and miss you so much. I am thankful that things are going well for you in Buffalo but cannot wait to see you. Madge...we will see you next month, cuz!!!

PS: I am asking for prayers for my son. We have an appointment on Monday with a Neuro-Opthamologist for a swollen optic nerve which he has had for a year. Pray for good results. Thanks!!

God bless you all!!!

All In All...I Am Thankful

2008-11-25T04:39:00.000-08:00

It is a wierd thing to come to the reality that your child passed away. There are times I am more accepting of it than others. There are times I feel I can hear her coming down the stairs or I can just go upstairs to her room and she will be there. There are times I sit in disbelief of all that we have been through for the past 2+ years. I am forced to believe in the unbelievable...Sierra is now in Heaven. There is a comfort to know that she will never have to battle cancer again, she doesn't have to live in this warped world we live in and she is in eternal happiness in the arms of her creator. It would be selfish of me to want her back. Having her back would mean that cancer may come back to. It would mean many hospital stays and time away from Arielle and Daniel. Yet having her back would mean I get to hold her again, laugh with her and be surrounded by her love again. Sierra was very unselfish in her love, she showered us with it a lot. Oh...she did have her moments when she would get mad but man did she look cute even when she was angry. So, I have to miss her and get through this dark pit of grief and I am for the most part. I am. In the end it is best for me to honor her memory and Sierra was all about being happy. What was important to Sierra was having her loved ones near her and making the most of each day with us. I have to do that now...make the most of each day for her and do things for her so she will always be remembered. It isn't always easy but it is necessary and helps in the healing process. As I tell everyone I speak to "I will never get over it but I will get through it." Yes, this is the unbelievable, where my family and I are at now but I believe in God and in Heaven and I believe that is where she is. It is unbelievable to believe in God who we do not see but that is where faith comes in and faith is what is helping me to get through this. I am not there and may not get completely there but all I can do is get through each day as it comes and knowing as each day passes...I am one day closer to seeing Sierra's smile, feeling her hugs and hearing her voice again.

I am grateful to the support I get...with family...my job...friends...my website friends and I thank each and every one of you. That is so important and needed at this time to know you are not walking alone. I am so thankful that I am not. I do share this road with good friends that are dealing with the death of a child and I am grateful to them as well. Sherry, you are an amazing person and I thank you for being there and Christie...I hope you know that I will always be here for you and cherish your friendship more than ever. There are more but than this blog would be more of a book than a blog and no one would have the time to read, lol.

Thanksgiving is almost here and I want to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I will be among family and that is awesome. I know some may be asking "what is there to be thankful for?" Even though Sierra has passed away and I miss her desperately...I am thankful for:

God having blessed me with her..no matter how short the time...I will remember and cherish it for the rest of my life.

I got to experience the unconditional and unselfish love of a child with special needs. They may not be on the outside what the world deems as perfect but on the inside they are pure perfection. They have the qualities that God would love for all of us to have.

My little girl now dwells in the most beautiful magnificent place in the world...she is walking on streets of gold and never has to face sickness again.

I will always be her mom and one day I will be with her again...we all will.

I am thankful for the pediatric cancer survivors and pray for their continued health.

I am thankful for this website and for all of you who read it.

I am thankful for my children...who are surviving each day without their sister with amazing strength.

I am thankful for no more hospital stays. Man was the food awful!!!

I am thankful for the many organizations that still want me to be a part of them. I will always be affected by this cancer demon and now all I want to do is pay my blessings forward and I pray I can always give back to these wonderful people.

There is more for me to be thankful for...but I am trying not to make this blog too long. I will shed tears on this day and especially at Christmas but in the end I will be okay. Thank you for helping me to realize that I will be okay.

God bless you all!!!

A Family Reunion Weekend...So Amazing!!

2008-11-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

This has been a packed weekend full of hello's, smiles, tears, and laughter. A reunion that has been such a blessing to me and my family in so many ways. When Sierra was diagnosed with cancer we became a part of the Children's Cancer Center (http://www.childrenscancercenter.org/) and met so many other families walking the same path as us. This isn't a club you want to be a part of but so blessed to be a part of during the many ups and downs of childhood cancer. We became each others main support...we became family. The hard part was when a child dies than the family goes to the bereavement group...which is understandable because the bereavement group families understand the loss of a child and all the emotions that come with it but at the same time...I mourned the loss of seeing my main support when I needed them most. I still kept in touch with email, occasional outings and phone calls...but I missed them so much. On Thursday, Christie (Jimmy's mom) and I went to the Children's Cancer Center for a Thanksgiving meal and to support our little bud Angelo (www.caringbridge.org/visit/angelocerchione) who was this years Badge Bowl hero (http://www.badgebowl.com/). It was like old times and seeing our families in a familiar setting that became our home away from home. It was amazing and I cherished every moment I was there. Christie and I spoke the next day and we both talked about how for the first time since our children died we woke up happy and energized. This was so needed and I thank our friends the Cerchiones and the Children's Cancer Center for inviting us. The next evening we went to the Tampa Bay Fights Cancer Night put on by the Steve Yerrid Foundation at the Tampa Bay Lightning Game. It was so much fun. I had a moment there because on the screen they showed the images of the children with cancer and I saw Sierra on the screen. I cried and it was emotional for me but I was so honored that Sierra was up there...so honored she was remembered. That is so important to me that she be remembered...I know my family and I will never forget her and it is my job now to keep her memory alive and be a voice for childhood cancer. Thank you Mr. Yerrid for an amazing evening. On Saturday night was the Badge Bowl. I was so happy for Angelo (Sierra called him Gelo) and his family. This family has become family to us in so many ways. Katie and I became best friends and we both know that we are there for each other for anything. They deserve all the best and I am so thankful that this evening was for them. The police and the firemen had a flag football game in Angelo's honor. The police won so now they have bragging rights. It was so cold though...yup it does get cold in Florida but all in all an amazing event. Today...we are going to a birthday party for Carlee. Happy Birthday Miss Carlee...we love you. So another day of being with people who mean so much to us. Carlee is in remission and doing so well...thank you God.

Thank you God so much for my fellow cancer families...near and far. We do share a bond and even though it is a club no one wants to belong to...it is a club where the members become family...truly caring and loving each other. I thank you God for each and every one of them and pray blessings upon them all. You brought us together and for that I am truly blessed.

Because of Hope

2008-11-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

New poem I wrote for my baby girl...we love you, Sierra!!!

Because of Hope...I face each day and say to myself "I can do this."

Feeling God's love, and strength as I get up from my bed.

Because of Hope...I get dressed and go out and feel productive.

Knowing that being stuck in my grief can be destructive.

Because of Hope...I can smile and be in the presence of friends.

I can be with my family laughing and feeling their love.

Because of Hope...I can bless others in ways that can help me to show.

How God is bringing me through this and is helping me know...

That He loves me and is healing me through all this grief.

And I am growing becoming stronger as each day goes by.

Yet it is still okay to feel sad, laugh, get mad or even still cry.

I will miss you forever and you will always be in my heart.

Though I will never get over you, God doesn't want me to mope.

I thank God I will see you again...Because I have hope.

I Feel Like a Parked Car...Sometimes

2008-11-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while...I just didn't have the energy and I am making myself do it now. It isn't that I don't have things to share...I do...we have done a lot and there are events to speak about. I just feel drained. I am tired of my daughter being gone and I want her back. I want to hear her footsteps slapping clumsily against the floor on her way to my room. I want to hear her whisper "momma" as she gets into my bed to snuggle with me early in the morning. I want to hear her demand for ketchup when she sits at her favorite chair in the kitchen to eat. I want her back. In my Griefshare class I learned that God cannot move a parked car (well he is God he can move anything but I am sure he would not move a parked car). A parked car is stalled for the moment...and until that key is put into the ignition...it cannot move on. If we are stuck in our grief...we also cannot move on. We become like a park car and if parked for too long can lose it's usefulness and it's purpose. I choose to move on because I have to but sometimes I will get stuck in my grief and have to force myself to move along. This will be a process for a while but I will do it. I have to.

I went last weekend to the Innisbrooke Resort with the Children's Cancer Center (http://www.childrenscancercenter.org/) with other bereaved parents. Just the kids and I. We had a nice time and spent some quality time with our friends the Reicherts who drove up with us. Thank you, Children's Cancer Center. It is good to get away that is for sure.

The kids and I also went to the Steve Yerrid Fishing Tournament. I went last year with Sierra. She loved it and I really miss her being there this year. It got a little emotional but more importantly I was glad to be there and it felt so good to be included. Thank you Pediatric Cancer Foundation (http://www.fastercure.org/) for the opportunity to be there. I still need my 'family.'

At the tournament, I got to see Benji the dog and his 'parents.' Sierra absolutely loved Benji. Benji and Gracie were her favorite therapy dogs. They sent me the clip of the interview Sierra and I were on from Fox news here in Tampa. I must have seen it 10 times and cried so hard. Sierra was so happy to see Benji and he really made her day visiting her. I miss that beautiful face of hers and I wish I was able to transplant myself there and hold her. To the Goulds thank you for sending me the clip. I will cherish it forever. http://www.myfoxtampabay.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=6451382&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=3.2.1

Events coming up:

Our little bud Angelo (who Sierra affectionately called Gelo) is the honored child for the Badge Bowl...Yay!!! (http://www.badgebowl.com/). It is a very exciting event and will be held on November 22nd (next Saturday). It is a football game between the Tampa police department and the Tampa firefighters.

Also...on November 21st is the Tampa Bay Fights Cancer Night (thanks Steve Yerrid). This is at the Lightning Game so it will be very exciting!!. Thank you Dreamfund for the tickets.

Arielle and I are going Monday to the "So You Think You Can Dance? Tour" and that should be a lot of fun. We will get to hang with our buds the Vessels. Thanks Debbie!!!

Thanksgiving is going to be at my house and I am making the turkey and I will be among great company (family & friends who are family in my heart). It will be hard but I think it will be good as long as there are people around who love you, support you and are there for you...it is the best medicine out there.

Special prayers going out to: Demitri, Brooke, Connor, Carli, Scott.

Thank you God that Angelo did not have the chicken pox and is on the men. Thank you that Samantha is doing well and her port is out...Yay!!! and Sinjin...you keep going...wow!!!

Carlee...I am praying you got to go home today and fevers are all gone!!

Thanks to all of you for still looking in on us...we are so grateful to that!!!

Team Unite have made a calender and of course my little star is on it. If
you would like a calender...just click this link:
http://www.cafepress.com/teamunite

Also...please help in making Sierra's Stocking a huge success....gift cards are going to Giving Hope Through Faith (http://www.givinghopethroughfaith.org/) and gifts will go to the oncology patients at St. Joe's for children age range of 0-18. I can send a letter for tax deduction for the gift cards. No amount is too small...a little goes a long way!!!

Also very important news to share (thank you Gail Frank):
FREE BONE MARROW REGISTRATION (save $52) IN NOVEMBER!
Ever wondered if you could be a blood marrow donor? Florida Blood Services says,

"During the month of November 2008, all lifesaving donors can join the National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP) Registry for FREE...it's as simple as a swab of the mouth!

Donate on one of our mobiles and receive a card to bring into any FBS donor center the month of November to register for the NMDP. Donate at one of our 13 donor centers and register right then and there!"

Anyone between ages 18 and 60 who donates whole blood, red cells,
platelets or plasma through FBS is eligible to join the National Marrow Donor Program - a nationwide database that attempts to match an estimated 6,000 people a day to a volunteer donor.

The blood service foundation is covering the normal $52 registration fee as part of National Marrow Awareness Month in November.
An estimated 70 percent of people needing a marrow transplant cannot find a match within their own family. The registry is especially critical as seven in 10 people seeking a match never get a transplant. Minority groups are especially encouraged to join the database, as matches are tied to race.

Registration for the bone marrow program involves paperwork and having a technician swab inside a donor's mouth (no needles!) to collect DNA samples for tissue typing.
To find a nearby blood drive, donor center call 1-800-68-BLOOD (25663) or visit http://www.fbsblood.org/.

Florida Blood Services provides for the blood needs of patients at 37 hospitals in Hillsborough, Manatee, Pasco, Pinellas and Polk Counties, Florida.

Help save a life...Danny and I are on the list and also released our HLA
typing. I am excited to give the gift of life and am ready when they call me.

God bless you all!!!

What Is A Hero?

2008-10-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

Definition for hero

- remarkably brave person: somebody who commits an act of remarkable bravery or who has shown an admirable quality such as great courage or strength of character- somebody admired: somebody who is admired for outstanding qualities or achievements- main character in fictional plot: the principal male...

We all have our opinions as to who we see as a hero.

Some will say our soldiers (and yes they are). I am so grateful for all they do to keep our country safe. Some will say a police officer or a firefighter. I think that is also a good choice.

In my heart...my heros on this earth...are Sierra's Oncology doctors and nurses. They did so much for her and I am forever grateful. Sierra had so much love for them and so did the rest of us.

Thank you to our amazing nurses and Doctors Tebbi, Russbach, Obzut & Wynn.

We miss you all!!!

Of course my other hero is Jesus. He gives me strength to et through each day. Thank you, Jesus!!

You Should Always Be Open To Learn

2008-10-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

Dealing with the death of a child...well...it does teach you many things. I have always been open to learning new things...I don't think we ever reach a point where we are too smart. God wants us to keep learning and to keep learning is to appreciate where you are now compared to where you have been.

In reading all the griefbooks...they all agree that we should not make any major decisions till at least one year after the death. It is easy when someone you love and felt so close to dies to want to run away. People will sell their houses, quit their jobs, move to a different state but no matter what the grief will still be there and the hasty decisions may be a big regret. So, I don't push myself to do anything major in the decisions. I haven't changed her room. I go through her things every once in a while but her room is still her room. I wanted so bad to get out of this house, get out of this town but in the end that may not be what God wants me to do. Emotions though real can deceive you if you let them get the best of you. If I have to get out of town...I can...I can visit a friend...or go see my nieces and nephew and cousins in Orlando. I can go to Georgia and see my cousin (who if she is reading this...call me). When the kids and I went to Buffalo this summer we had a great time. It was so nice to be with my family and I dreaded going home. I thank my family for being there for me and for the amazing time we had in Buffalo. If you are grieving...as hard as it is...weigh all your decisions. Don't go by your emotions...remember this too shall pass and you will get through.

I went to the grave site. I don't do it a lot because it is hard and she isn't there, she is now in Heaven. I put flowers in the vase and clipped on a couple of butterflies. I hope she likes it. I miss you baby girl...we all do.

I am asking for extra prayers for Connor & Brooke. Thanks!!!

God bless you all!!

More About Sierra

2008-10-22T18:40:00.001-07:00

Do you remember the character on the Tiny Toons Cartoons named Elmyra Duff? If not by name maybe by what she was known for, she was the little girl who loved animals sooo much that she didn't realize her hugging and squeezing was actually quite painful to the animal. She would say "I want to love him, I want to squeeze him." The animal never hurt her but definitely wanted to get away from her due to all the "lovin" she gave.

I am sure that is how our dog Rocco would remember Sierra. Sierra loved her "Wocko" very much. Her hugs and squeezes hurt him but he would never hurt her. His eyes would bulge out even more than they normally are but he let her do it.

Sierra loved dogs and her own was her favorite. I would say her second favorite was Gracie the therapy dog from the hospital and of course Benjie the other therapy dog. I am not sure why she didn't care too much for the bunnies. I guess she was more of a dog person...oh and the occasional cats...which worried me more because I was afraid she would get scratched. The neighbors cat almost did that to her...thank god Shadow was declawed and could not hurt her.

Rocco misses you baby girl...there are times he goes into your room and sniffs for you. I am sure you are giving him hugs and squeezes from Heaven and I think he misses them. We all miss your hugs and squeezes.

Thank You!!

2008-10-22T04:12:00.001-07:00

A very special thank you to Sean and the Brandon Foundation (www.brandonfoundation.com) for the tickets to the Rock, Rib & Roll...it was fun!!

Also, thank you to the Pediatric Cancer Foundation (www.fastercure.org) for the tickets to the Lightning game last nite. We had a great time!!

Thanks so much for thinking of us!!!

What I Have Learned As A Bereaved Parent?

2008-10-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe but it will soon be 6 months that Sierra has passed away. I have been a bereaved mom for 6 months.

I have learned a lot...you can't go through something without learning something...so here is what I have learned.

Bereaved parents are not aliens...it can happen to anyone. My old pastor lost his son at the age of 40. An adult to us but in his parents eyes he is their baby boy. A devastating loss can happen to anyone at anytime. It is what it is. Life doesn't promise us that we will all live to be 100...just the promise that once we are born...we will one day pass away. It is what you do between life and death that matters. How you live your life and I pray that the in between also includes Jesus.

When people say..."I cannot imagine losing a child," I definitely understand but realize that is something I still find hard to imagine. We don't want to go there even when we are there. This may change as the months continue to go by...and as the months turn into years...but for now...it is still hard to imagine. I also realize that it is hard to imagine anything that is hard to go through. I remember when my grandmother died...I thought to myself "how are we going to get through this?" and "how are we going to get on with life without her?." My family is very close and we lost the core of our existence...the woman who loved her grandchildren (all 36 of us) with all her heart and soul. She stayed up with us when we were sick and made sure we were warm on cold days and cool on hot days, she was more than a grandma...she was like our mom. Somehow we got through that devastation and managed to live life again. Though forever missed...we still feel her love inside us and will forever.

I thought I was going to die when Sierra passed away. It was so hard to breath, it was like my body went into shock...I could not breath. Somehow I got my breath back and I slowly went back into living life. I am looking forward to that reunion with her but in the meantime I have to live life and do what I can to bring forth awareness for pediatric cancer. I now have to do that in her memory...I do a lot in her memory. She lives in me forever...and I will always let that show in all I do. If there is any advice I can give to anyone facing the loss of someone important in their life is that you will get through...never over...just through. Some days are harder than others but in all things...let God in.

We live in an imperfect world...and God allows it to rain on the good and the bad. Though the storms in life may come in...rely on God to get you through. You may feel angry at God for not answering your prayer and get stuck on the "if onlys" but know that he is sad when we are sad. He sees the bigger picture in everything and we have to realize that. God could have healed Sierra here on earth but there was a reason why she found her healing in Heaven. God doesn't promise us that life is going to be perfect and that as soon as we pray for something he is going to make it happen...there is a reason...he is all knowing. God doesn't want us to worry about tomorrow or live in the past...he wants us to live in the present and make the most of today...especially with the ones we love. We all want the perfect life...long life...full of happiness and laughter...to see our kids grow...see our grandchildren. In a perfect world...children don't get cancer...they don't die...parents don't abandon or kill their children...people don't divorce...everything would be how we would all consider perfect. Sin came into the world and made our world imperfect but despite all the imperfections...there are blessings in everything. Yes, even in the bad things. What kind of blessings have I found in Sierra's passing? She didn't suffer, she knew how much we love her and always will, she had a short life but it was filled with the people most important to her, she is now dancing on the streets of gold with her friends and family right by her. I miss her...and it hurts...badly but I am happy for her and I know I will see her again. Hope springs eternal...and I am so happy my heart is filled with hope.

So, know that you will be okay...no matter what you go through...somehow things will be okay. I will not say better but I will say different. You will smile again...though there will always be a sadness...it will not be all consuming. Surround yourself with family and friends but most of all surround yourself with God. He will carry you through.

This poem brings me a lot of hope and I pray it will for you to:

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there were one set of footprints.This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my lifewhen I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints,so I said to the Lord,"You promised me, Lord, that if I followed You, You would walk with me always. But I noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of prints in the sand. Why, When I have needed You most, You have not been there for me?"The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints is when I carried you."

by Mary Stevenson(11/8/1922 -- 1/6/1999)www.footprints-inthe-sand.com

Arielle's Homecoming

2008-10-18T15:46:00.001-07:00

My Homecoming Queen

2008-10-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

So, last nite Arielle had her homecoming dance. The afternoon was spent getting her ready. She went to our hairdresser and Marilyn did a great job styling Arielle's hair. Then back to the nail salon because her nails had already chipped from yesterday. They redid her nails and they looked great again. After...her friend Patty's sister did her makeup.

At 7:30 we she was all ready to go...and she looked beautiful. I took her to her friend Lacy's house and after some more pictures, Lacy's sister took them to the dance.

She had a great time and I was so happy for her.

I said it before and I will say it again and again...time flies too fast. Enjoy the pics!!

Good... But Just Not The Same

2008-10-15T15:54:00.001-07:00

Did you ever eat...ice cream sundae with out the whipped cream? Or...french fries without ketchup? Maybe...popcorn without the hot melted butter? It would still be good...but just not the same.

That was how celebrating Arielle's 15th birthday was yesterday. It was good...we had a nice time...but something was missing. The cream...the ketchup...the butter...the icing on the cake...Sierra. My mom shed the tears that I did not let come out. I wanted Arielle's day to be happy and for her not to worry about me. Arielle's friends were over, we had cheesecake, she opened some pretty nice gifts, we laughed, we were loud and there was music. Not bad for an unplanned but filled with love birthday get together. Inside though it did hurt. Sierra was not there...well...in spirit she was there but physically she was not and she was missed...a lot. I don't even want to think how hard it is going to be with Thanksgiving and Christmas but we have to make the best of it and we will. We have to.

Happy Birthday, Arielle!!

2008-10-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

You will officially be 15 on October 14th!!!

I cannot believe how fast times flys and my first born is 15 and in high school.

You are the reason I became a mom for the first time.

Thank you...for being such a great big sister to Sierra...I know she is looking down with pride wishing her big sister a very happy birthday. Probably not singing "Happy Birthday To You" since she disliked that song for unknown reasons but definitely happy for you on your day and loving you more and more each day.

You were only 12 when Sierra was diagnosed with Leukemia. You and Dano had to be without me so much and though I know it couldn't be helped and I know you understood...it still bothers me. It bothers me how much cancer took away from us...the plans...the outings...the being together...and of course the worst of all...your sister had to find her healing in Heaven.

I know you miss her and I know you don't want to discuss your feelings about it but I know you're hurt.

I also know that you know she is in a better place and one day we will see her again...and we will.

You are my baby, my girl, my daughter, my friend. Daddy says you and I are identical in personality...and that is okay. We speak each others language and we know what to expect from each other. I love hanging around you, I love how you confide in me, and most of all I love you. When God gave me you...he gave me a bff...that really is forever.

Thank you...for being there for me. Thank you for the butterfly necklace you got me. Thank you, for being you.

When you were born...this was daddy's song for you above this post. I hope you enjoy it. We love you!!!

Princesses Do Get Sick

2008-10-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the commercial where a little girl says "because I'm a princess and princesses don't get sick." Nice thought, huh? Everytime I hear that I say to myself...no, you're wrong, princesses do get sick...and sometimes they end up going to Heaven to live in God's heavenly throne. I should know because that is where my princess now lives.

It isn't fair that little princes and princesses get sick. Even less that they can get a life threatening illness and die from it. Depressing to think of and no one wants to go there but it is reality. If we keep trying to ignore the elephant in the room...will it disappear? No, it won't.

Pediatric cancer will not go away by ignoring it. Ignorance isn't always bliss. If we keep ignoring it and thinking it is rare...the ones that will suffer are the little princes and princesses.

Please, be a voice for these kids. Help us get the word out...donate to any cause that will help them (a little does go a long way). Help us to find a cure. Maybe then if you hear a child say..."princesses don't get sick" at least we know that if they do get sick...cancer sick...they will be cured and be able to marry their prince...and hopefully live happily ever after.

How Was Your Weekend?

2008-10-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while, not much to post about. The weekend was spent clearing out Sierra's room a bit. It doesn't look like I did much but she had a lot of stuff. I figured I may do a garage sale and give the proceeds to one or all of our local charities that help kids and families of pediatric cancer. It was tough and I shed many tears but I did what I could. I would love to keep all her stuff but it just wouldn't make any sense. I am keeping a lot though. We have to do things when we are ready, not rush ourselves and do what we can. So, I am doing what I can.

There is so much inside of me that I want to write about and say but in time I guess when I know how to put it all into words. I try and take things day by day and moment by moment thats all you can do. She is definitely is and always will be a big part of our lives, always present in our hearts, mind and souls. As I looked at her things, I would stare and even smell them. Wierd, I guess because really all her things were washed and nothing has her scent.

As Christmas is approaching, I need to get things started for "Sierra's Stocking." I will give more details as to where to send any donations as soon as I get everything sorted out. For those of you who do not know about it...well being that I still want to put up her stocking at Christmas and I don't want to see it empty as I fill up Arielle's and Dano's stocking, I thought of doing "Sierra's Stocking." It is not an original idea as Amazing Jacob's mom does this every year in Jacob's memory. So, here is the plan. My family was very blessed by many local charities in our community. So, I want to fill up "Sierra's Stocking" with donations of gift cards (to go to Giving Hope Through Faith www.givinghopethroughfaith.org/), or things you fill up a stocking with for boys and girls of all ages (teens included) this can go to the clinic where Sierra was treated at Dr. Tebbi, Wynn, Russbach & Obzut. Any donation no matter how big or small will be greatly appreciated. All will be done in Sierra's memory and I know she will be so happy about it. So, please think about giving no amount is too small and all will go to a wonderful cause in the memory of a wonderful little girl.

As soon as I have all the details worked out, I will let you know.

Well, that is all for now.

God bless you all!!

Sierra, momma is sending you lots of hugs and kisses baby girl. We love you!!

Beautiful Tribute

2008-09-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

One of my and Sierra's caringbridge friends Sinjin and his mom Lorna (www.caringbridge.org/visit/sinjinandrukates) made a beautiful video in tribute to the warriors who won their cancer battle in Heaven. I am so honored they included Sierra.
Sinjin, you keep kicking the can out of cancer. You can do it, you are doing it. You are an inspiration and a hero.
Thank you so much!!

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=70c54d2a5c5870016c90d7&skin_id=701&disable_autoplay=true

Maybe next year our kids will get the awareness they so deserve.

God bless you all!!!

The End Of September

2008-09-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

As September is coming to a close, so is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Again, me and many parents think...maybe next year our kids will be recognized. Maybe next year...the talk shows will talk about it. Maybe next year...the news shows will discuss it. Maybe next year...maybe. We hold on to hope because that is what keeps us going. Hope for awareness...hope for funding...hope for a cure.

Do It For the Kids

"There is no more we can do"

The doctor said this as I cried.

I couldn't believe the words.

"You mean, my baby is going to die?"

"I'm sorry" said the doctor.

"She's too weak and we've done all we can"

My heart stopped beating as I said "Please...

there must be something" as I took his hand.

"There must be something else...

something else that we can try"

It has happened in many cases

Don't give up...never say die"

I saw by his face...he felt all my pain.

In my spirit I knew but it hurt so much

To have to say "see you soon"

and not know again when our hands will touch.

I looked at her...with all those machines.

Fully sedated...she just laid there.

I whispered "I love you"

As I played with her hair.

When we spoked to her...

Her oxygen would go high...

I knew she heard us...

She heard me cry.

My family is broken...

Without her smile and grace...

In my thoughts I see her...

Her smile and beautiful face.

So kids don't die from cancer?

And childhood cancer is rare?

Just look at my story...

Don't look away...don't you dare.

You see, my child was one of many

Who got cancer and died.

These warriors fought a battle...

To beat it they tried.

But, they won their battle

In Heaven they live.

There are still more children.

We ask you to give.

Be an advocate...Be a voice.

Let no more die of this disease.

Give to the cause...give for the kids.

Please do it for the warriors...please.

Thanks For The Prayers

2008-09-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

I survived looking for a Homecoming dress. I did and I owe all of you a BIG thank you for the prayers!!. God answered!!.

I decided to try Dillard's by us and as usual Dillard's did not let us down. We put two dresses on hold and proceeded to see what Macy's had. Macy's didn't have a big selection. Arielle tried on a black & white dress that had sequins on the white part. I loved the dress but she really didn't want a black dress. She wanted a yellow one. So, back to Dillard's to figure out if she should get the yellow one with gold sequins (which I hated) or the blue one with the silver sequins (which I found). Thankfully, she picked the blue one with the silver sequins and we bought her her first pair of high heels in silver. She is not an expert in walking in heels so she has been practicing walking around the house in them, she even walks in them on the treadmill!!. We still have to get earrings and possibly a clutch. Our hairdresser will style her hair that day, her friend's sister is doing her makeup and I am taking her for a manicure/pedicure. The dress is really pretty and looks good on her. Danny, well he is pretty sad at how fast his little girl is growing up but most daddys go through this so he will survive. She is going with a bunch of friends and is pretty psyched about it. The dance is on October 17th. I already had plans for that weekend to go see my friend Gabrielle and her family but I had to cancel them for Arielle. I can always reschedule this night is pretty important to Arielle and with the year we have had she deserves it.

I would post a pic of the dress but she wants to wait until the day of the dance. So stay tuned....

So What Are You Doing This Weekend?

2008-09-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write about two event going on this weekend. It has been posted on a few sites and I want to do my part to spread the word.

If you like hockey and like to give money to a great cause...than there is going to be a USF hockey game on Saturday at the Brandon Ice Sports Forum at 7:30pm. 4 Children are benefiting from this game:

Brooke Martin (www.caringbridge.org/visit/brookemartin) Brooke's leukemia came back and is getting ready for a bone marrow transplant.

Connor Hernandez (www.caringbridge.org/visit/connor19) Connor's leukemia came back and is currently on chemo. He has had a few complications but is doing well.

Also Maddie Bridges and Sophie Parris. If you cannot go but would still like to make a donation to bless these kids please do so through the Children's Cancer Center (http://www.childrenscancercenter.org/).

A very good friend of mine and someone who has been a great support to me when Sierra passed away. We were also one of the recipient families that were blessed with gift cards for a year through her foundation (http://www.givinghopethroughfaith.org/) will be at the Books A Million at the Brandon Town Center for a book signing. Sherry wrote a book called "Unfinished Love" (http://www.amazon.com/Unfinished-Love-Walking-through-Pediatric/dp/1933204672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222438979&sr=8-1). It is an awesome book by an awesome woman who I am honored to know.

I received an email from Sherry with a prayer request and ask that you all join me tonight whereever you are and pray for a little boy. Here is what Sherry wrote:

Please join this prayer vigil... everyone at 10PM tonight (26) light a candle, and take a moment to ask God this prayer: Bring your healing grace to Harris, and give him strength in body and spirit. Hold Harris close to your heart, and keep his family warm in your light. Bring them your guidance, and keep them strong in Your unity and their love. We ask You to alleviate any pain Harris may have, and help his body to fight this invasion. Bring wisdom and guide Jan and Jeff to the answers you mean for them to have.

September is almost over and not a peep from the media. No one speaks about this being Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. No one. Why? How many more diagnosis? How many more deaths? When will it get the awareness it needs? Here are the fact:

*Each school day, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer.

*On the average 12,500 children and teens will be diagnosed with some form of cancer each year in this country.

*One in 330 children will develop cancer by age 20.

*Although the 5 year survival rate is steadily increasing, one quarter of children will die 5 years from the time of diagnosis.

*Cancer remains the #1 disease killer of America's children - more than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy, Asthma and AIDS combined.

*In the U.S. almost 3,000 children do not survive cancer each year.

*Over the past two decades, only ONE new cancer drug has been approved for pediatric use.

*Currently there are between 30-40,000 children undergoing cancer treatment in the U.S.

*As a nation, we spend over $14 BILLION per year on the space program, but only $35 MILLION on Childhood Cancer Research each year.

*There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximiately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.

*Research funds are scarce as most money is diverted to well-publicized adult forms of cancer, such as breast and prostate.

*Right now, this second, somewhere in America, there are 7 children fighting for their lives who won't live through the day.

It needs awareness now. I see the pink ribbons for Breast Cancer Awareness Month already in the stores (October is National Breast Cancer Awarness Month). I am happy for that but want the same for the kids. Help us to get the word out. Help our kids. Do it for the kids they need us.

Make my little girl proud!!!

Very Important:

Please go to this link. An article with pictures was written in the Boston Globe (thanks to AJ's dad). It is about childhood cancer. Please, leave a comment so that the media can see how many people are affected by this monster. I know there are people who follow this site because of Sierra's story, so if you are not affected personally, do it for Sierra, for all these warriors. Let them know these kids need a cure... now.
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/09/childhood_cancer_awareness_mon.html

Thanks so much!!!

Our Beautiful Butterfly

2008-09-21T16:29:00.001-07:00

I found this today in a notebook and I thought I would share:

A butterfly lights beside us

like a sunbeam, and for a

brief moment, it's glory and

beauty belong to our world.

But, then it flies on again.

And although we wish it could

have stayed, we feel blessed

to have seen it.

Sierra, your beauty and glory was only here on earth for a brief moment. We will forever miss you but always feel blessed to have had you. Love is forever and so is our love.

New Strategy From Team Unite #31

2008-09-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

New Strategy from Team Unite. Let's help be a voice for Childhood Cancer:

STRATEGY #31

The Caroline Pryce Walker Conquer Childhood Cancer Act has been signed into Law by our President..What now???
Rest assured that there are many advocates for the children who are meeting daily with people on, "The Hill". Uncertainty is where the process is at the present time with respect to what will go on and what our next best move should be. The federal fiscal year ends on September 30. Congress has not passed any of the 13 appropriations bills it is required to by the end of the fiscal year and it is not likely that they will complete any of these bills before the end of the month. Congress will have to pass a "Continuing Resolution" to keep federal agencies open at their current level of funding until the appropriations bills can be passed. Congress may extend the Continuing Resolution until after the elections and then reconvene for a "lame duck" session to continue working on the bills before the end of the calendar year and the start of a new Congress and new Administration.
Out of the 13 appropriation bills, there are three bills that are a high priority for Congress to pass in this session of Congress: the Defense Appropriation, Military Construction and Homeland Security.
The best hope for funding for childhood cancer research is in the Defense appropriation bill. A request was submitted last January for $20 Million to support pediatric clinical trials. Our hope is to have as much of the money as possible be appropriated. It has been marked up both in the Senate, House Defense Sub Committees but has not gone to the full appropriation committee in either chamber. It was actually scheduled a week ago in the House but unfortunately it was delayed.
What does all this mean? I wish we had a crystal ball that could tell us but, since we do not, let's focus on where our biggest impact could be and figure this out! This could pass sooner than later but we all need to know that this may be held over by Continuing Resolution until who knows when. After elections??? Prior to new congress and Administration in Jan? Will there be a lame duck session?
We do not have the luxury of time as children are battling for their lives. So, Team Uniters, we will continue to generate awareness and we will target the following members of the Defense appropriation subcommittee.
The largest request and the appropriation bill most likely to pass before the end of this year is the Defense appropriation bill. This bill has been marked up. Let's all pull together and write, email, call, etc. these individuals requesting significant funding in the FY 2009 Defense Appropriations bill for clinical trials for pediatric cancer research.
Chairman Murtha 2423 Rayburn HOB Washington, D.C. 20515 P:(202) 225-2065 F:(202) 225-5709 Email Chairman Murtha
Ranking Member Bill Young 2407 Rayburn HOB Washington D.C. 20515 (202) 225-5961 Email Ranking Member Bill Young
Chairman Sen. Inouye (HI) 722 Hart Building Washington D.C. 202-224-3934 Email Chairman Inouye
Ranking Member Sen. Stevens (AK) 522 Hart Building Washington, D.C. (202) 224-3004 Email Ranking Member Stevens
DEFENSE APPROPRIATIONS
20 million - Army RDTE- To support pediatric cancer research and clinical trials
The funding will be used to enhance important ongoing clinical trials, support the creation of significant, new clinical trials and prevent the discontinuation of critical childhood cancer trials, benefiting children of military families, civilian DOD employees, and other children afflicted with childhood cancer.
In addition to the above, please continue to promote September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. See strategy #30 for details. Thank you and God Bless Team Unite!!!!
H.R.1553 Title: To amend the Public Health Service Act to advance medical research and treatments into pediatric cancers, ensure patients and families have access to information regarding pediatric cancers and current treatments for such cancers, establish a national childhood cancer registry, and promote public awareness of pediatric cancer. Sponsor: Rep Pryce, Deborah [OH-15] (introduced 3/15/2007) Cosponsors (229) Related Bills: S.911 Latest Major Action: Became Public Law No: 110-285 [GPO: Text, PDF] House Reports: 110-706
Statistics and Facts
Cancer is the leading cause of death of children
Funding for the NCI (national Cancer Institute) and the NIH (National Institutes of Health) have been flat over the past 5 years which has put us further from our goal of finding a cure for childhood cancer
Over 12,500 children/teens are diagnosed and 2500 do not survive EVERY YEAR in our country
Email mailto:dianne@teamunite.net?subject=I to join Team Unite today!

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2008-09-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

On one of my blogger friends blog (http://www.myspecialks.com/), I found out that today is 'Then Sings My Soul Saturday.' These are the instructions:

The instructions are easy. Just write a post on your blog about a song. It can be a song that has spoken to your heart during a difficult time... a song that brings back a special memory... a song that makes you want to sing along to the top of your lungs... a song that makes you glad... a song that makes you want to dance... a song that has inspired you... a song that makes you feel like the words were written just for you... a song that makes your soul sing. You can include the lyrics or maybe include the You Tube video. After you write the post, go to Signs, Miracles and Wonders and link your post to Mr. Linky at the bottom of the page. Then you can read about all the other songs and stories that are posted.

The song I choose would have to be Ooh Child by the Five Stairstep. Here are the lyrics:

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier

Ooh-oo child, things'll getbrighter

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier

Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Some day, yeah

We'll put it together and we'll get it all done

Some day

When your head is much lighter

Some day, yeah

We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun

Some day

When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna be easier

Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna be easier

Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Some day, yeah

We'll put it together and we'll get it all done

Some day

When your head is much lighter

Some day, yeah

We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun

Some day

When the world is much brighter

Some day, some day, some day

We'll get it together and we'll get it all done

Some day

When your head is much lighter

Some day, some day, some day

We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun

Some day

When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier

Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier

Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Right now

You just wait and see how things are gonna be

Right now...

Sierra and I sang pretty much everytime we were on our way to clinic. I would sit her in the back seat to my right so when I get the chance, I would look at her and sing the words with her. This was our "Cancer you are not gonna beat us and we WILL see brighter days...someday.

Even though Sierra won her battle in Heaven (how I wished it could have been here) she got her someday...with Jesus. Her someday is now filled with eternal happiness and good health.

My someday will be the day I am reunited with her. The day I will never have to let her go again.

For now, I am to make the most of my today with my 2 children and my husband. I am to do all I can to be a voice for childhood cancer. Right now I have today...but one day I will have my Someday with my Sierra.

Ooh Child will always be one of Sierra's and my special songs.

Not Much Going On

2008-09-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while. I really didn't have much to talk about. Life is going one day at a time and some days are harder than others. Sierra is on our minds all of the time. I mentioned at the grief lunch that the Children's Cancer Center does once a month about me and the kids seeing the green hand towels at the zoo and at Niagara Falls. Well, the next day Mary Ann from the Children's Cancer Center (http://www.childrenscancercenter.org/) left me a voice mail that she was jogging and happened to look down and saw a green hand towel. Also, my friend Karen (Matthew's mom) was taking a walk with her son Andrew and Andrew found a green hand towel. Amazing, huh?!!

As I am writing this the news is on and guess who is speaking...Dr. Wynn!! Sierra was in love with Dr. Wynn. A donation was made to St. Joe's for their research and Dr. Wynn was speaking about it. I cried watching it and seeing the oncology kids putting their handprints on the SUV that will be auctioned. Dr. Wynn is an amazing doctor and I am thankful he brought so much joy to a little girl who was so smitten with him. Thank you, Dr. Wynn we will never forget you and I am sure Sierra is still beaming down looking at you with so much love.

I am still going to my Griefshare class and it is going well. Danny goes from time to time. We definitely need the healing even though we will forever miss our baby girl. When I think about the holidays it hurts that her physical presence will not be here with us. She made the holidays such a joy. It will never be the same...nothing will.

We have family coming this weekend and I (ugh!!) have to take Arielle to find a dress for Homecoming. I love going shopping with her because we both are pretty much the same but dress shopping with her is torture. Pure torture. We disagree on what looks right on her and so this will probably not be fun. Pray for me!!!

I let Dano do something that most parents don't let their sons do till they are older but I didn't see the big deal. Most of his friends and a lot of young guys in my family has them so he got his ears pierced. I think he looks really cute. I will try and post a pic soon. I thought my mom was going to strangle me but she was cool with it. Arielle has been wanting to get second holes in her ears but she is deathly afraid of needles, so who knows when that will happen. She may change her mind though.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Thanks for checking in and God bless you all!!

Do This For The Kids

2008-09-14T06:53:00.000-07:00

The Facts:

Did you know?*Each school day, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer.

*On the average 12,500 children and teens will be diagnosed with some form of cancer each year in this country.

*One in 330 children will develop cancer by age 20.

*Although the 5 year survival rate is steadily increasing, one quarter of children will die 5 years from the time of diagnosis.

*Cancer remains the #1 disease killer of America's children - more than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy, Asthma and AIDS combined.

*In the U.S. almost 3,000 children do not survive cancer each year.

*Over the past two decades, only ONE new cancer drug has been approved for pediatric use.

*Currently there are between 30-40,000 children undergoing cancer treatment in the U.S.

*As a nation, we spend over $14 BILLION per year on the space program, but only $35 MILLION on Childhood Cancer Research each year.

*There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximiately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.

*Research funds are scarce as most money is diverted to well-publicized adult forms of cancer, such as breast and prostate.

*Right now, this second, somewhere in America, there are 7 children fighting for their lives who won't live through the day.

Yesterday I went to the Cure Kids Cancer Challenge Walk appropriately held on September 13th, the official day for Childhood Cancer Awareness. It was very hard being there but I knew Sierra would want me there. I plan on forming a team next year it would have been way too hard to have done it this year. It was so awesome to see people walking for the kids and helping to raise money for research. I am so thankful to the Pediatric Cancer Foundation (http://www.fastercure.org/) and all they do to save these lives.

Team Unite http://www.teamunite.net/ has a new strategy in their fight to help raise awareness and funding. Just go to their link and help us to help the kids. Basically, September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and do you hear it mentioned in the media? I know I haven't and I believe it is time the media gets on board and spread the word. Look how much the media has done for Breast Cancer Awareness we need the same done for the kids. So, here is the strategy:

1. Please continue to write to your local/national newspapers and TV New stations/programs asking them to do something to recognize September as Childhood Cancer Awareness month. In addition, please discuss the "Stand up to Cancer" event in your letters to ABC, CBS and NBC. Why was Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and Day (September 13) not mentioned? Would they have ignored breast cancer awareness month had the event taken place in October. I really doubt it! Why does Childhood Cancer Awareness and Gold ribbons go largely unrecognized?

2. Please order and wear your Childhood Cancer Awareness Gear! A gold ribbon is a must and is easy to make. Or you can order buttons, t-shirts and more at

www.cafepress.com/teamunite. Also, contact your child's hospital or your local hospitals asking what they are doing in recognition of childhood cancer. Ask if the staff is wearing gold ribbons this month. If not ask them why????

The attached table is a listing of celebrities affected by childhood cancer. This document is a work-in-progress by Team Unite. We are hoping to build upon this list, to include more details and contact information. We'd like to reach out to these individuals and ask that they help us in our efforts to get the word out. If you have contact information for any of these folks or know someone we should add, please email dkillian@teamunite.net. Thank you!

Links for a few media outlets you may contact. Please send to any you feel would benefit our cause! We need to spread the news to get the recognition that children's cancer deserves in September!

Contact your local ABC Affiliate station Contact your local Fox Affiliate stationContact your local NBC Affiliate station Contact your local CBS Affilitate stationCBS email Form ABC email Form NBC Contact FormEllen Oprah CNN

Just follow this letter:

Hello,
My name is ____________________ and I am a part of a grass roots effort to raise awareness and secure funding for Childhood Cancer Research. Julian Avery who Forest W. spoke about on Stand Up 2 Cancer is a member of Team Unite. Team Unite arose from the Henry Tucker CaringBridge site and is comprised of nationwide volunteers from families impacted by the devastating diagnosis of a child with cancer. Team Unite also consists of friends of these families, as well as conglomeration of concerned citizens. The result is a genuine grassroots effort with the purpose of raising awareness and securing funding to bring an end to childhood cancer!

Thank you for bringing awareness to Childhood Cancer and for your segment on our brave angel warrior King Julian. My question to you: why was there no mention of September being Childhood Cancer Awareness month? The fact that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and that Gold Ribbons are the symbol of this goes largely unrecognized. Please help make sure that everyone is aware of this fact and that the 13th of September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Day! Just visiting the cancer unit of your local Children's Hospital will inspire you and change your life. These brave young warriors deserve our support and more importantly, they've earned it!

<>

Please report and raise awareness and ask that people do something special for the kids not just in September but EVERDAY!!! Every year cancer kills more young people between 1 and 20 years of age than asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis and AIDS, combined yet in the past 20 years only one new cancer drug has been approved for pediatric use. In addition, only 3 percent of the budget of the National Cancer Institute goes toward childhood cancer research.

My request is that you help get the word out that the gold ribbon is the symbol for Childhood Cancer Awareness and request that each individual consider wearing a gold ribbon in support of the children out there fighting for their lives. We cannot go back and change the past but you do have the power to communicate this to the public and we are asking for your support and help. Thank you!

Sincerely,

[Your name and contact information]

"I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." ~ Martha Washington (1732-1802)

My goal in life right now is that no parent will ever have to hear the words "your child has cancer" and especially "there is no more we can do." Believe me it sucks to hear those words. Believe me this can happen to anyone at anytime. We can say "I could never imagine having a child with cancer" or "I could never imagine having to bury a child." I thought the same thing and guess what...it happened to me. It happened to many of my friends. It happens to anyone. My goal is that we find a cure and if a child get the diagnoses of cancer the next words we hear is "but we can cure this." I am praying for that day and it takes awareness, funding and research. It takes all of us. Be a voice for Sierra and for all her warrior friends. Thanks and God bless you all.

Time

2008-09-12T18:23:00.000-07:00

Time is my friend and my enemy these days. They say "time heals all wounds" and that is true of physical and emotional wounds but the emotional wounds do take a lot longer to heal. Some parents whose children have passed say that the longer time passes the harder it gets. It seems to be true because I feel sadder but I also wonder if it is because the holidays are approaching. I don't know. Some days are easier than others but we are trying our best to get through. God is with us though and thanks to all of you for your prayers. It is so needed please keep us in your prayers.

Tomorrow I will be going to Cure Kids Cancer Challenge for the Pediatric Cancer Foundation (www.fastercure.org). Sierra and I walked last year. I was going to form a team this year but it was too hard emotionally but I will be there to help. It will be hard to go but I know Sierra would want me there and that is more important to me than anything...to keep her memory alive and do all I can to destroy the cancer monster.

Please keep our friends Connor & Brooke in your prayers. Plus all our warrior friends in and off treatment. Pray for the families of our warriors in Heaven to. Thanks for all the prayers. May God bless you all!!

Holland Was Beautiful

2008-09-08T15:43:00.001-07:00

I was given this poem when Sierra was born and it touched my heart in so many ways. When things don't go the way we plan because God has other plans for you sometimes the best things are the ones we don't plan for, the best things are sometimes unexpected. Please read:

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I didn't mourn very long. I started to enjoy the difference of Holland and the beauty of Holland was more spectacular than anything else. I miss Holland and I always will.

Sierra, we miss you so much!!!

Did You Take A Stand?

2008-09-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

Last nite was the Stand Up To Cancer special. It was pretty good and I was so happy that they did include the kids (I thought they were not going to do that). I gave in Sierra's memory. I pray that this special does something to make a difference. Cancer has been around for far too long and though survival rates are up to me there are still way too many diagnoses, relapses and deaths. Way too many. So, I hope this show makes the much needed difference and that they will give a big portion of the proceeds to the kids. I am tired of going to funeral services for children who should still be here. Cancer took away their childhood and in the end their lives. The ones that do survive have to live with the fact that the cancer or a different type of cancer can come back. They have to live with the memory of when they should have been outside playing with their friends, they were spending time in a clinic getting poison pumped into their bodies. It sucks!!! If you didn't give please do so for the kids, they deserve this. Don't forget September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month - don't forget these precious young warriors who are in Heaven, who are fighting and who are praying that they will stay cancer free. Please do it for the kids.

About Sierra

2008-09-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

I am feeling much better though not 100%, I would say I am 85% better. Thank you God!! I had posted about Sierra's love for Mr. Clean the last time so today I wanted to write about her love for towels. This love for holding towels (and it could be wipes or paper towels but towels provided the most comfort) started around the time the chemo started. Sierra would not leave the house without a towel and sometimes would color coordinate it to whatever she was wearing. Dr. Wynn, I heard, thought I matched her hand towels with her outfit but it was all her. She loved holding them, slept with them and sometimes would want to hold 4 or 5 of them. When we would go out, I would make her put a few back and told her she could only take one. She would get really mad at me but forgave me once she got in the car and one of her favorite songs came on the radio. It's funny and quite a blessing to me when we spotted a hand towel at the zoo and at Niagara Falls. I hope to see more. Of course, there are still hand towels in her drawer. I just want to hold on to them. They were a big part of her life and now a big part of mine. Man, do I miss my baby girl. Today, I have shed many tears but I do feel a peace and know God is with me. Thank you for all your prayers for all of us, please keep them coming. Of course, keep the Gliddons, Jimmy's family, the Potterbaums and baby Kaylies family in your prayers and of course all of the warriors currently in this battle. God bless you all!!

I Hate Being Sick

2008-09-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am sick!!! I woke up feeling feverish but I worked a little and then I had to take my mom for her colonoscopy. It sucks to have to do things when you are sick as a dog and all you want to do is get to bed. My mom and I left to the surgical place where she was to get this procedure done at 11:30 and did not get home till 5pm. The whole time my throat was burning, my eyes were stinging and my head hurt. Thankfully, everything looks well with her. Me, as soon as I got home went straight to bed. My aunt made me some soup, I am all Vicks up in Vaporrub (the cure all of most hispanic people). Got a stomach ache? Rub it on your belly...Use it to tweeze your eyebrows. Honestly, I think it even works for wrinkles. But I digress, I took a couple of Advils and the last I checked my temp went down from 100.6 to 99.6. The body aches are going away...so I think I am on the mend. Sinus Infections are horrible and with all the hurricane induced rain, I was bound to get sick. I hardly ever get a fever, my last fever was in the summer of 2005, so pretty long ago. Anyway, I am going to try and get some sleep. Stay healthy, be blessed and remember September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. My shirts and tote bags came in so I am ready to show my support for these young and amazing warriors. Love you all!!!!

Griefshare

2008-09-03T03:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Danny and I went to our first Griefshare class. Not the most romantic way to spend your anniversary but definitely needed. I liked it and pray that it will help in the road to healing from all of this. I know things will never be the same and that Sierra will forever be missed. It all seems so unreal. We have to go on though the best we can.

Today, I am sick. Ugh!!! I hate being sick. My head feels like it is under water, my eyes burn and sting, my throat hurts and burns and my nose is all congested. All this hurricane induced rain is doing this. My sinuses are kicking my butt right now.

Please, pray for my mom. She is having a colonoscopy and an endoscopy done today. Pray for good results. I felt bad for her having to prep for this. Ewww!!! I hope they find a better way to prep for this one day.

Well, that is all for now. Please, keep my family (especially my husband) in prayer as we try to go on the best we can without our baby girl.

Thanks and remember Setember is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month!!!

It's My Anniversary

2008-09-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

I got married on September 2, 1990, I cannot believe it has been 18 years. Danny and I dated for 5 years, we were engaged for 2 of them. We have had a lot of ups and downs but still manage to stick it out and stay together. I have to say the "stay together" part is mostly him. I am the "i'm over it and I am out the door" type of person. I definately keep him on his toes. A lot of people compare us to Doug & Carrie of King of Queens. There are differences but I do see some resemblances. Sometimes certain conversations or arguments they have, I turn to Danny and say "didn't we have that same conversation?" Pretty wierd. Danny is definately the more affectionate type, me not so much. At one time we took a "love language" test and found out that what tells me he loves me is (a) acts of service and (b) buying me things. Okay, I know I am a little shallow but to me action speaks way more louder than words. So, the hugs and the I love yous are nice but not my love language. Danny's love language is (a) signs of affection and (b) words of encouragement. So, when I buy him the latest electronic gadget he will love it but not as much as "Honey, I am so desperately in love with you and love you more today than I did yesterday and here's a big hug and a long passionate kiss." Yeah, I just don't get it but I do try. Divorce rates are high when you have a child with special needs (we got through that), higher when you have a child with cancer (survived that) and even higher when your child passes away (currently dealing with that). We have beaten many odds before and we got through it together. I must say I give my husband all the credit for it. We have had family situations, money situations, and then the worst of it the death of our precious baby girl. I am amazed at his efforts to keep us all together. Danny is definatey the glue that holds our relationship together and I am so thankful for that. He can annoy the &*^% out of me but I am glad he is my man, my partner and my best friend. Happy Anniversary, Dan...I love you!!

Above is the song we danced to at our wedding. We didn't have a special song. Are couples supposed to do that? I never really got the "you are a couple now so pick a meaningful song that if you get married you can dance to it." I wished we had so that I did not feel the pressure of finding a special song. Danny dedicated songs like "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" songs that showed the guy all heartbroken...not a good choice for a 1st dance. This song was hot at the time, was a guy and girl singing (Yup, thats Danny Wahlburg in that hairdo, I am sure he is regretting that look) and pretty fitting for a first dance song. So, I hope you like it. It is bringing back lots of memories of my wedding. The big hair, the mullets, the New York accents, vogueing to Madonna, Hammertime and of course lots of love, food, laughter and fun!!! Enjoy!!

Please Remember, It's September!!

2008-09-01T05:37:00.001-07:00

We have a month and we have a day (September 13th). Let's take this time to remember our warriors. There are so many with all types of cancers. Some in Heaven, some fighting and some thank God off treatment. Do it in the memories of the ones who won their battle in Heaven, do it for the ones currently fighting this demon, and do it for the ones off treatment (the fear never leaves). Yes, I am asking for your part to be a voice to these precious lives that were not being heard for so long. Do it in Sierra's memory. Wear the shirts, donate your time and your money (it really doesn't have to be a lot. Remember, a little goes a long way to make a difference. All I want is for a parent to never ever have to see their child pass away from cancer anymore. It is the most heartbreaking event and I will do all I can to never see that again for me or any mom and dad. Please, do your part. I know I will do mine in my baby girl's memory. I know she would want me to do it.

Join or donate to the Pediatric Cancer Foundation (www.fastercure.come) Cure Kids Cancer Challenge.

Wear jeans to donate to the Children's Cancer Center (www.childrenscancercenter.org)

If you would like to order the shirts go to http://www.cafepress.com/teamunite

There are so many ways to give. I have a lot of organizations listed on this site. So, many websites of warriors that you can send an uplifting message to. So many ways to show you care. God bless you all!!!

I Still Love Roller Coasters

2008-08-26T20:09:00.001-07:00

There is a lot to the analogy of "Life is like a rollercoaster." It is very true. The highs are high and the lows are low. The anticipation of the high is great and thrilling, riding the lows is scary, unexpected and can sometimes be exciting, after the lows it is still, sad and you wonder if you will ever feel the high again. Life for all of us has done this ride many many times. For some people the rides are longer and more frightening and some just stay exciting for awhile. I have to say I am tired of this rollercoaster ride and prefer the predictability of the ferris wheel. I am emotionally drained and reeling from the emotions of Sierra's passing and life for us will never be the same without her. It really sucks!!!

I went to the cemetary (haven't been there in a while) and her marker is there now. I plan to get a nice silk flower arrangement and do some minor decorating. I cried, obviously. It just doesn't seem real. I don't think it ever will.

I hope everyone enjoys their Labor Day. The kids and I are going to hang with our cousins in Orlando. My cousin Edward's daughters are in town from Buffalo and we are all going to Sea World tomorrow. So, we will get in late tonite, get to Sea World in Orlando in the morning (at least that is the plan) and then possibly head home on Saturday after Sea World or the latest Sunday (not sure yet). I hope all of enjoy your Labor Day weekend. God bless you all!!!!

God Spoke To Me Through My Grandma

2008-08-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

My mother's mother was very special to me. She was very close to her grandchildren and was a big part of my childhood. It was funny how she always got our names mixed up and well...who could blame her...she had to remember the names of 36 grandchildren, 25 are boys and 11 are girls. Sometimes in calling me she would say "Evelyn" or "Madeline" in which I would reply "Mama (that is what we all called her) I am Mary Lynn, Evelyn is older and Madeline is younger." Then she would laugh. Anyway, when I was about 18 my grandmother spoke to me about a daughter she had that died at the age of 4. My grandparents originally had 13 children and 4 had passed away. I believe 3 died as young infants in a time where now they have shots to prevent certain diseases that killed many babies long ago. My aunt who I have never met (my mom doesn't even remember her) was missed terribly by my grandmother. She told me that she missed her very much and thought about her a lot. She told me how pretty she was and how much she loved her. I wondered then why she was sharing that with me but I also thought it was nice of her to have. My grandma passed away in 1985 and we all still miss her very much. I never thought about this conversation about her daughter (my aunt) until Sierra passed away. I realized then that God was having my grandmother share this with me because I was going to experience the death of a child to. I asked my family if she ever talked to them about her daughter but they all said no, it seems she only shared this with me. I now know why. My grandmother helped me even though physically she is not here with me, she helped me know that somehow you do get through. It will always hurt but you do get through. Thank you God for letting my grandma share her experience with me.

Class Was Canceled

2008-08-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

Grief Share class was canceled and I didn't know till I got there. They called people but I did not get a call. I did register online so not sure if that is how they missed me. Anyway, I really wanted to go and am bummed out that it was canceled for tonight. It will start next Tuesday officially. I did order three tshirts and a tote back from Team Unite. I am excited to wear it and spread the word for these awesome kids. Anyway, not much else to talk about. Pray that Gustav stays away!!

I will update soon!!

Decorating Pottery Tiles

2008-08-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight the kids and I went to the Pottery Patch to paint tiles for the Cure Kids Cancer Walk. The walk raises money for research and helps the Pediatric Cancer Foundation (www.fastercure.org) to fund the researches that will hopefully one day find a cure to all pediatric cancers. We did this last year (painted tiles) and Sierra helped in the painting. I missed her tonight and of course my tile was in her memory. I was among friends some whose children won their battles in Heaven, some who are off treatment, and some who are still in treatment. Whatever part of the journey we are one, we have the common bond of being a mother to a child with pediatric cancer. The bond we share is priceless and forever. We love each other and our children very much. We need each other despite what part of the journey we are on because the support we give each other means more than anything. It was great just to be in the room with them. I of course did not chatter too much as I was so engrossed in making my tile beautiful. It is not as beautiful as I would have wanted it to be but all in all not bad. Thank you Pediatric Cancer Foundation & Amanda for letting us be a part of this. The tiles we decorated will be presented as awards at the walk. I didn't do a team this year but hope to next year. I do plan to go and help in anyway I can. If you live in the Tampa area the walk will be held on September 13th in the Fishhawk Area at 7:30am. You can register and/or donate at www.fastercure.org.

Tomorrow night I start my griefshare class at the Crossings Church at 7pm. I am a little hesitant yet at the same time I feel good about going. I really feel God wants me to take this step in healing. I will post more about it tomorrow. Thank you all for the prayers and all the support. God bless you all!!

Please keep Sinjin in your prayers (www.caringbridge.org/visit/sinjinandrukates) he has a fever. Please pray the fever to break.

Thank you!!!

My Awesome Baby Girl

2008-08-24T13:07:00.001-07:00

You may be wondering why is there a picture of Mr. Clean on this post? From time to time (maybe once a week or so, haven't decided yet), I want to post about the things that Sierra loved and give you an idea of how amazing she is (sorry, I hate to say was besides she is alive in Heaven). Today, I wanted to write about one of her favorite things and yes one of them was Mr. Clean. Not sure why or how it started but she loved him. I am not sure if it was the bald thing (he is bald, she was bald). Okay, really wierd as I am typing this a Mr. Clean commercial just came on, LOL!!). Everytime a Mr. Clean commercial came on she would run to the tv and shout "Mom, Mr. Clean!!!." She got so super-excited. I found out through Mary Ann from the Children's Cancer Center that there is a Mr. Clean doll. She saw it and tried to buy it at (I think) an antique store but the man wouldn't budge. I did some digging on Ebay, found one and bought it. Her expression was priceless, she was so happy to have received her own Mr. Clean doll. He is as big as the old GI Joe, all plastic (even his clothes) and of course all hers!!. When the Children's Cancer Center had their annual fall festival, I figured I would dress Sierra up as Mrs. Clean. She wore a veil, had a white tshirt that said Mrs. Clean, white capris, white sneakers and a bouquet of feather dusters wrapped in tulle, of course her groom Mr. Clean was in her hand. She looked so cute and won the costume contest at the festival. Yeah, Mr. Clean was special to her and one of the many many reasons Sierra was unique and of course amazing!!!

I will of course have more to share about different moments and different times. I now know this one was meant to be shared as the commercial for Mr. Clean (magic eraser) came on just as I started blogging about it. I still have this doll and will treasure it always.

My weekend was good and of course spent with some very special friends in my life. I hope all of you had a great weekend and of course have a wonderful Monday!!

Have A Great Weekend!!!

2008-08-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

Just want to wish all of you a great weekend!!! I am extremely ready for it with the 1st day of school, getting ready for an impending and never made it but still lingering hurricane/tropical storm, work, etc. I am pretty ready to get started. I am going out with some of my buds (fellow cancer moms) we are going to hang out at a hotel and just chill out. These girls are awesome (and some love to party!!) and I am proud to call them my friends. These cancer families have become an extended part of my family, my support system and my anchor and I am beyond blessed to have them all in my lives. I promise to behave (don't worry Danny). So be blessed and be safe!!!

Sierra's Songs

2008-08-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write about why I have these songs playing on Sierra's site. They each have a special meaning:

How To Save A Life - Sierra loved that song and sang it so cute instead of "How to save a life" she would instead say "How to save a lice." I would laugh everytime she would sing it.

You'll Be In My Heart - This song came out about the time that Sierra was a baby. One part of it says "I know we're different but deep inside us, we're not that different at all." Having Downs, most people see her as different but in my heart she was the same as you and I...well she is the same. All people of special needs are the same and should never be treated different. This song spoke to me on so many levels and I had it played on her montage at her service.

No Air - When Sierra died I felt like someone strangled me. I could not breathe. It hurt to try and catch my breath. Sometimes I still get this way. This song says it all.

Bye Bye - No explanation needed really but I never did say Bye, I did tell her I would see her again soon.

Ooh Child - This was our ride to the clinic...we are going to beat this cancer song. She loved that song.

I Can Only Imagine - One of her favorite songs to sing at church. Our worship leader Chris sang it beautifully at Sierra's service.

God of Wonders - Another of her favorite church songs and another song sung by Chris at her service.

Mary's Prayer - An old 80's song. Sierra and I at the hospital would be on You Tube a lot...a lot. Sierra loved that song and sang it to me. Funny, I think she thought it was about me. I know she was an answer to my prayers.

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss - Well to think of my memories of Sierra is blissfull and will always be (except for her last days which hurts my heart so much).

I Would Die 4 U & The Most Beautiful Girl - My kids share my love for Prince (a music genius) and Sierra loved I Would Die 4 U (honestly I would have taken her place if I could) and the Most Beautiful Girl is self explanatory Sierra is beautiful inside and out.

Together Again - I know when I see her again and I will it will be for all eternity and I will never have to let her go again.

Stomp, Hero, and My Life, My Love, My All - It's Kirk Franklin, he is upbeat and inspirational and she did love Stomp!!

With You - Sierra was a big fan of Chris Brown and she loved singing this song and of course I need my boo (my baby girl).

Rainbow Connection - For some strange reason that only God knows this song kept entering my head the last few days of Sierra's life. There is a part of this song that say "...and have you heard voices, I heard them calling my name." That line has two meanings, on her last day of life we were calling Sierra's name to her and when we did her oxygen level would go up (she heard us, thank God for that) and I picture the voices of loved ones gone on before us and angels calling her by name to come home and enter the arms of her Creator where cancer can NEVER hurt her again.

There are more special songs that she loves and means so much to her. Sierra loved music just like me and it was a big part of her life. I picture her singing and dancing so free on the streets of gold and it makes me smile. I may add more songs but for the most part this is why these songs are on her playlist.

I am going to keep updating on Caringbridge as well as this blog. I got emails that people are having trouble posting a message on this blog. You have to sign up but it is free and you don't get junk mail from them but it is easier to post a message on caringbridge. So, I will just copy and paste my messages on this blog to caringbridge as well and see how that goes.

I hope all is well with all of you and may God bless you all!!

Dental Woes!!

2008-08-20T13:57:00.001-07:00

I have to admit, I hate going to the dentist. I would much rather go to the female doctor than the dentist. Last month, I chipped a tooth and knew that I would have to go to the dentist. My bud Lisa recommended her dentist because he gives you 'sleepy' medicine before a dental procedure. Loving that idea, I quickly set up the appointment. I absolutely love this dentist. Love him. I have never loved a dentist before but this one is awesome. So, I needed a crown and this is a two parter appointment. The first time my friend Melissa drove me (because of the awesome sleepy medicine) and this time I could drive myself because there would be no sleepy medicine required (which scared the you know what out of me). My gum got so sensitive and swollen (they think it may have been sensitivity to the cement that sealed the temporary tooth) and I was freaking out a bit. But I braved it and they did not have to numb me. The gum is still swollen but should go down in a couple of days and it does hurt. I braved it because Sierra is one of the bravest kids I know and she braved a lot more than I ever did. So, I braved it for her and got through it. Now, I am laying in bed like a wimp. I am also a little sad because one of our bunnies moved down the block to his new owners home. They all survived and doing great. Thank God!!!. We are keeping one (the one that looks like Bugs Bunny) but will always miss the other two but they are going to good homes and we are happy for that. Well, pray my very irritated and swollen gums get better!!!

Thanks & God bless you all!!!

Forever Broken Heart

2008-08-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

Sierra is constantly on our minds but for me the worst time is the evenings and mornings. During the day I can keep busy (she is on my mind)but it is easier to let the distractions come in not at night. At night, the quiet and the trying to fall asleep is hard. Once in a while when it gets too hard I take a Xanax and see if it will help me to sleep. Sierra is so missed so much. In my prayers, I keep asking God to just rewind time and give her back to me. I just want her back with me. Maybe it is selfish because I as a christian believe in God and I believe in Heaven. Heaven is everlasting and there is no suffering so it is a much better place for her to be. Cancer can never get to her. No pain, no suffering just eternal happiness, peace and love surrounding her for all time. Thinking of her like that helps get me through because she is in a much better place and in much better care with her creator. Still, I want her back. I want her with me. I hate cancer.

Fay Went Away!!!

2008-08-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was getting pretty scary. The news made it seem that we were gonna get hit by Faye and it wasn't going to be pretty. They said once it left Cuba as a tropical storm and head to Florida, it would turn into a category 1 storm. Well, I did some more shopping. We even got a generator and an air conditioner. The gas stations were jam packed but I managed to get gas and 3 bags of ice. I figured if I don't react I will regret it and if I do react and nothing happens at least we are ready for the next time. Today, no storm. Prayers were answered and we got spared. It has been pretty grey and windy (looks like fall, which I like) but nothing serious. Some areas got flooding but thankfully we are okay and electricity is on (I hate not having electricity). So, thanks for the prayers and pray for those who were affected. Also, please pray for our friends Brooke, Connor and Liem (pray for good results on his bone marrow aspiration). Please pray for the families whose children are now in Heaven. Please, pray for a cure. Congrats to Sinjin who was told he is still cancer-free. We are so happy for you, Sinjin!!!

God bless you all!!!

Childhood Cancer Awareness Shirts

2008-08-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today I got an email from Team Unite. Team Unite does so much in spreading the word about childhood cancer awareness. Just parents of children with cancer being a voice so needed for our children. I am honored to be a part of that team. T-shirts & hoodies were made with pictures of our angels and warriors of childhood cancer and I am honored Sierra's picture is included. If you are interested in getting one just copy and paste the following link: http://www.cafepress.com/teamunite and wear gold for the kids. Remember September is childhood cancer awareness month and the official day is September 13th. I know I will be wearing my shirt proudly!!

Hurricane Fay...Go Away!!!!!!

2008-08-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so apparantly Florida may get hit by a hurricane and her name is Fay. If we get hit it can happen by Tuesday. It will either be a category 1 or category 2 storm. We are told in June to stock up on water, batteries, get a generator, plywood for the windows, non-perishable foods, etc, etc and guess what?!! I have none of that. We are unprepared here at the Kesler home (very unprepared). Are we going to do something about that...mmmm....nope. I will buy food but it is because I am due to get a few things at the supermarket. Danny, has been busy building an outdoor kitchen in the porch for the past month that has been on my nerves lately. It has been so hard keeping the house clean due to that. So, what will we do to prepare for this may be coming our way hurricane? Pray hard that it will decide not to come our way at all. Pray hard that it just disappears into the sea and does not hit the United States at all. The weather has been getting crazier and unless I was dreaming, I could have sworn the weather channel said there was summer snow in Colorado?!!! What is that about?!!! Keep praying this storm does not hit us that Fay just goes away. Thanks!!!

Arielle's Open House & Back To Work

2008-08-15T10:29:00.002-07:00

So, Thursday night was Arielle's Open House. She is now an official student at Bloomingdale High School and me an official parent of a high schooler (how did that happen?). I graduated in a high school at Long Island that had more than a thousand students but I think Bloomingdale has more students than the Sonderling did when I went there. There are 2,300 students there. Open House was crazy and of course another special trip to Walmart to pick up more things. I bought a lot of binders but would you know it instead of 1 1/2 - 2 inch binders, 3 inch binders are the binders of choice this year. Guess what?!! they are out of 3 inch binders. I hate that because it makes me feel like an unprepared parent but I got a couple of days so hopefully I will find it.

I went to work today for a meeting. It was a bit emotional for me but all in all that went well. I have to get back to some sort of normalcy and this is my 'new' normal. I feel like I don't know anything anymore like I have to relearn everything but I guess I do and in time I'm sure I will feel more comfortable and more knowledgable (at least I hope so). I do love my job and the people I work for and I am so grateful to them for being so understanding and supportive throughout Sierra's cancer, relapse and passing. I am pretty blessed and am so thankful to them. Well that is all for now. I will post again soon. God bless you all!!!!

The Badge Bowl

2008-08-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Our little friend Angelo is the honorary child for the Badge Bowl - www.badgebowl.com. The badge bowl is a flag football game between our Tampa Firefighters and the Tampa Police. Before the event, there are games, food, and raffles. The monies raised go to the Foundation of Courage, the Children's Cancer Center and into a fund for the honorary child. We are so happy for Angelo he is such an awesome little boy and we just love him so very much. Angelo's family is just like family to us and we are so blessed to have them in our lives. Katie (Angelo's mom) is like a sister to me and they do so much for others. If you live in our area please come to the game and show your support. I don't have the exact date yet but I believe it will be held in November. As soon as I have the date, I will definately update. If you don't live in the area but would like to donate just go to www.badgebowl.com.

Please keep our little friends Connor & Brooke in your prayers (Brooke was last year's honorary child at the Badge Bowl. Also special prayers for Sinjin as he gets ready for his pet scan, Katie Salomonson needs our prayers to and also our little friend Alexa is getting ready for her MRI (pray for a good report). Thanks so much!! I will update and let you all know how Sierra's open house went. In the meantime God bless you all!!

Another Awesome Organization

2008-08-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

Today the kids and I went to the Olive Garden for a luncheon with all the top schools that raised the most money for the Pennies for Pasta Campaign (http://www.olivegarden.com/company/community/pasta_pennies.asp) and the Honored Heroes and their families. We were honored that Sierra was not only the Honored Hero for the Pennies for Pasta campaign but also for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Light the Night Walk. Next year's campaign will be dedicated in Sierra's, Mathew's & Emily's memory. They all passed within a month from each other. All monies raised goes to research and for a cure. As you can see, we need a cure. Many kids are surviving but still some do not make it so we still have a ways to go. I want to thank Shelly & all at the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society for all they do for these kids. They are amazing people and genuinely love these kids. I am thankful to them for all they did for us during such a difficult time in our lives and I feel so blessed to know them. Ask you local schools to get involved it is fun, definately for a worthy cause and of course the top schools get great pasta from the Olive Garden. Also, thank you so much to our local Olive Gardens for getting involved. God bless you all!!!

Please Vote:

2008-08-12T12:27:00.001-07:00

This is a great organization that raises funds to support important research to find a cure for childhood cancers. They are awesome, let's show them our support.

Dano's Open House

2008-08-12T06:33:00.001-07:00

Okay, this is my second time typing this blog and I hope I don't acccidentally navigate away again. Dano had his Open House and I am pretty exhausted from it. We got there a bit early so I could stand on this long line to get his team t-shirt, agenda, and join the PTSA (Parent, Teacher, Student Association). After, spending $23.50 for all that and joining a raffle for a $25 gift card to Hess or for ice cream at Stone Cold Dreamery we were off to buy a new PE Uniform for $15. After all that I was thirsty and bought a bottled water for a dollar. You may be wondering what is a team t-shirt. Well, in middle school they divide up the different grades into different teams. Last year, Dano was a jaguar and had the coolest tshirt (which disappeared for a year and I will get to that mystery in a second). The shirt was black with jaguar eyes peering out and neon colored leaves on the shirt. Burns Middle School logo on the side of the sleeve in neon yellow. It was a very cool shirt. We found out he is now a cougar and we thought "great, that should be another cool looking shirt" but nope it is an ugly green shirt with the cougar's face on the front, no big deal. The jaguars shirt disappeared for a year because my father-in-law accidentally thought it was his and took it home. He came over a couple of months ago with the shirt on and I thought to myself "Did Dano give him his team shirt?" till I hear Dano tell him immediately "Hey, that's my team shirt you have on." My father-in-law found it with his things and thought it was his but also said "no wonder it felt tight." So, mystery solved no harm done even though he never got to wear it. My son's schedule is crazy and he will have to carry his books all day because there is no way he will have time to go to his locker. The craziness starts after his second class which is in the outside building from there he goes back to the main building to his science class located at the far end upstairs of the main building, then back to the outside building which is far away for geography, than back to the main building to the far end downstairs for PE, than back to the far outside building for language arts. The language arts teacher thought it was crazy to and suggested I let the Principle be aware that my son will probably be getting tardies. Too many tardies gets detentions but with his crazy schedule, what do they expect? He feels he is up for the challenge but I am going to call anyway to make them aware. We left the Open House at 9pm and ventured to Walmart to buy more supplies. They now want the kids to carry a big 3 inch binder to keep all their subjects in. All they had was white (he wanted black) but since he hates the stores he said "I will deal with it, let's go home." We got home and I put all his stuff together and ready. I got in bed by 11 pm, exhausted but did not sleep very well. Thursday night is Arielle's Open House, God give me strength!!

Tropic Thunder

2008-08-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I like comedies, they are my favorite types of movies. I have to say that when I saw the previews of Tropic Thunder, I thought it was going to be a funny, let's go see it type of movie. Then I found out something and here is a snippet of the dialogue in the movie that I got from our little friend Kennedy's site www.myspecialks.com. Here it is:

The actor character played by Ben Stiller, Tugg Speedman, has key scenes in the movie which recreate a character he has played called Simple Jack. Jack is a ‘retard’. This element of the movie gives rise to a slew of objectionable phrases slanted directly at the disabled. Take the following, a conversation between Downey Jr’s character and Stiller’s, revolving around Stiller’s decision to play said ‘retard’:

Stiller: There were times when I was doing Jack when I actually felt retarded. Like really retarded.

Downey: Oh yeah. Damn.

Stiller: In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.

Downey: To be a moron.

Stiller: Yeah.

Downey: To be moronical.

Stiller: Exactly.

Downey: An imbecile.

Stiller: Yeah. When I was playing a character.

Downey: When you was a character.

Stiller: Yeah, I mean, as Jack. Definitely.

Downey: It’s like working with mercury. It’s how science makes art form.

Stiller: Yeah.

Downey: You an artist.

Stiller: It’s what we do, right?

Downey: Everybody knows you never do a full retard.

Stiller: What do you mean?

Downey: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rainman, look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic. Sure. Not retarded.

You know Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and he won a ping-pong competition? That ain’t retarded.

You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

They make fun of people with special needs and guess what Sierra falls into that category. I have always hated the word "retard" as I have hated what people with Downs were called before "mongoloid." Am I making a big deal?!!Yes I am and I feel I and all parents of children with special needs should as well. In this day of being "politically correct" why is it still okay to make fun of the mentally disabled? My daughter had many challenges but she faced them all with the heart of a champion. I defy anyone in Hollywood to face what my daughter did with the determination to fight and always with a smile. I for one and for many of my fellow 'special needs' families will not be going to see this movie and I hope that many of you do not as well. It is time to give people with special needs the respect & admiration that they truly deserve. I hope you understand my heart in this matter and not go to see a movie that doesn't care and feels it is okay to make fun of someone like my Sierra. Please, do not go. My friend Renee, said it best on her blog and you can link on it from this post. I hope that I conveyed how wrong this is and that it should never happen again. Thanks!!!

Please Read!!

2008-08-10T17:36:00.001-07:00

I received the following email. Please, sign the petition and pass it along. Thanks so much!!:

Hello,

First, let me say I wish you and your family the best. I am writing today because we have a common enemy, childhood cancer. My name is AJ's Dad. And I started the Cure Childhood Cancer Petition because I, like many of you, am frustrated at the sheer lack of awareness and funding for childhood cancer. The idea behind the petition is simple; collect one million signatures in support of creating a network TV special devoted solely to childhood cancer. It's a story you don't hear (and I am not optimistic you will hear much on the StandUp2Cancer show either). Yet it impacts 1 in 300 of our children, and is the #1 killer disease of our kids. During the show we will promote a book, with all proceeds going to CureSearch. It will actually be a collection of stories of how our children faced this disease, stared it down, inspired those around them, and displayed courage and grace no matter what. How they changed people. Like me. Our AJ, my best friend in the whole world, was only 14 years old when he left us on January 5, 2008. And now our world will never be the same.

Since we started the Petition it continues to gain momentum and attention:

We have nearly 13,000 signatures

We have been written about by CureSearch (click for story)

We have been written about by LIVESTRONG (click for story)

We have been written about by Alex's Lemonade Stands (click for story)

The Chief of Pediatric Oncology at Texas Children's Cancer Center has allowed us to post paper petitions and supports us

The Chief of Pediatric Oncology at Duke University Medical School has allowed us to post paper petitions and supports us
So this is real. This is happening. We have momentum. But we need your help.

Here's how you can help:

Sign the Cure Childhood Cancer Petition. And send the link around to all your friends and family, post on your carepage/caringbridge page (if you have a website I can provide "code" where they can sign right on your site).

Print and post these around at local coffee shops, wherever people gather. They are petitions with little tear-offs listing the website address. We have them up at Duke and TX Children's right now. Just in the family or break room, or the bulletin board at clinic.

And, if are running a fund raiser like a Lemonade Stand, and you want to collect signatures on paper, here is a Paper version of the Petition. You can email them to me (or ask for a mailing address) and we will get them input.
Remember, "you get what you give". Thanks for any help you can provide. Together we can make a difference.

AJs Dad
AJsspace - www.carepages.com
AJs Blog - http://curechildhoodcancer.blogspot.com/
Cure Childhood Cancer - http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/CureChildhoodCancer

****If you can't click on the link just copy and paste it, thanks!!

School Shopping, UGH!!!!

2008-08-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

I have been shopping for school supplies since July. A little frustrating and I am only getting the basics because the kids will actually get a list from each of their teachers on the first day of school. I stocked up on the stuff that turns out to be like finding a WII at Christmas Time. You know what I mean: composition notebooks, 3 prong folders and the 3 ring binders. I don't remember back to school being this much of a chore for my mom. Tomorrow is my son's open house and I will probably have more info on what he needs for each class and then open my wallet to pay for the agenda, team shirt, PTSA membership (I never go but feel so very obligated to join), etc. By the time we are done I have spent $15-30. From there I will probably end up going to the store to stock up on the rest of the things he needs, plus new laces for a couple of sneakers he owns. He doesn't care if his sneakers become untied and ends up fraying his laces. On Thursday night is Arielle's Open House and she cannot wait to go. High School!!! How did that happen?!!! I wish that middle and high school was like elementary school where they have to wear uniforms and all I needed to worry was how cool the sneakers were that they are wearing. Nope, so we ended up buying all sorts of name brand stuff (I cringed everytime the cashier was ringing each item) but I don't think we did too bad and spent too much of Dad's hard earned money. So, we spent yesterday and today doing all this shopping for them. Today, Dano opted to stay home (he hates shopping for clothes with a passion) for him the pet store is the only store he likes to venture and spend time in or Electronics Boutique. So, Arielle and I ventured out and spent 4 hours at the stores. She ends up telling me how exhausted she is and just wants to go home. She's exhausted....what about me?!! Not only am I exhausted but so is my wallet!!!! I do tend to spoil them though I won't tell them. They have had a rough couple of years to with Sierra being sick and passing away and all, so I do my best to make sure they are happy. Right now, they are laughing upstairs. I love it and I thank God that despite it all, we have our moments where we can laugh. Thank you God for those moments.

Sierra, it is so hard not buying supplies and clothes for you. It is so hard to see things that I would have bought you. I saw a pink plastic pencil box and fought back the tears. I miss you baby girl and I will miss you for the rest of my life. We all will.

So What Do You Think?

2008-08-09T20:59:00.000-07:00

Caringbridge has been such a great tool to write about Sierra's cancer journey. She is now in her Heavenly home being missed desperately by those who love her. I wanted to do a blog that would be the next chapter of our journey. The hard part, facing life without our little ray of sunshine. I want to be able to post more, do more and have more freedom to make this site something special. One that would make Sierra proud and show the world what an amazing girl once roamed this earth. I wanted to be able to help raise awareness for childhood cancer. Did you know September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month? (not too many people know that) and there is an official date of September 13th. I pray for a cure. I know that when a cure is finally found, Sierra and all her warrior friends in Heaven will have a HUGE celebration. So, let me know what you think of this site? I hope you like it!!